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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23242210">Shepard and Vakarian</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwordsandShields99/pseuds/SwordsandShields99'>SwordsandShields99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Love, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:42:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23242210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwordsandShields99/pseuds/SwordsandShields99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One shots :) Mostly happy and fluff/romance.<br/>Chapter 3 - Warnings Apply</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Because I Care</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shepard was half-way through the Dossier reports that Liara was able to gather as Shadow Broker. She read Jack's poem three times. She knew that the Biotic would shoot her dead if she ever found out Shepard had read it, but it was pretty much what Shepard would have expected anyhow. Didn't make it easier to read though. Same with Lawson's letter. Honestly, there was a lot of sad shit in here. Liara must have hid Shepard's report, because she knew that would be a sorry sight too. </p><p>Suddenly, she stopped scrolling and starred at the next report. "Garrus Vakarian", with a stoic pic. She almost felt like she shouldn't, not with them being so... close. Well, if she was going to read up on her crew, that included him. She clicked on the report.</p><p>She read the message to his sister. Damn. Shepard had no idea Garrus' mom was sick. She read the next letter. Garrus had made a huge contribution with Mordin's help. Anonymously. Even after the heat from his sister. Damn. And it was her fault he was away from them. She held back tears. </p><p>She read the rest of the report on Garrus. The way he killed those mercs. It was ruthless. And true justice. A red sand dealer dying from red sand? A bio-virus specialist dying from a... cough? Garrus must have gotten creative with that one. And... the slaver... died from gunshot wounds everywhere and a cracked skull. She smiled at that. It almost felt like he had made that one personal, for her. Archangel. She flipped back to the message with his sister. She re-read the letter from the Helos Medical Institute. <br/>
<br/>
Shepard felt tears coming to her again, and she quickly turned off the report.</p><p>"I was surprised at that as well," she heard Liara say from somewhere behind her. "I wasn't sure if you knew."</p><p>Shepard wiped the tears quickly before turning around. "No," she shook her head, "I didn't."</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Garrus and Shepard walked through the Citadel shops. "You should get that sniper rifle Garrus, you deserve it. It's the best out there, and you're gonna need that fire power soon enough." </p><p>He shook his head, "Nah."</p><p>She looked at him with surprise. "Why the hell not?"</p><p>He began to walk away, "Can't afford that on a vigilante salary Shepard. That's why we drank the shitty wine, remember?"</p><p>The dossier report hadn't mentioned a dollar amount exactly, but she would be willing to bet at this point that he had given everything he had, thinking he wouldn't survive the suicide mission. Come to think of it, he hadn't bought anything at all. He only ate ship food. </p><p>"Well shit, if you're not going to go in, I still am," she called out. </p><p>"Meet you back at the ship," he called back. </p><p>-------------------------------------------</p><p>Garrus was half way back to the Normandy when a Salarian in a white lab coat stopped him. "You're Mr. Vakarian, are you not?"</p><p>"Uh, depends on who's asking," he replied suspiciously. </p><p>"Forgive me, I am Doctor Seliur. I work for the Helos Institute and am here for a conference. I can't tell you what a difference your contributions have made, Mr. Vakarian." </p><p>"My contribution was supposed to be anonymous," he mumbled back.</p><p>"Oh, rest-assured they are. No one but the staff responsible for these contributions knows."</p><p>"Contribution, I was only able to donate once," he said quietly.</p><p>"No, definitely not. A second, and very sizable donation was made just recently, and this time to go towards your mother's particular case study."</p><p>Garrus looked at the Salarian in disbelief.</p><p>"Oh.. um.. my apologizes sir, I must be mistaken. I shouldn't have assumed... Well... Thank you very much for your original donation. It is making a difference, I assure you. We are getting closer to cures with each passing day. Good bye," the Doctor said as he scurried away awkwardly. </p><p>Who would do that? And why specifically for his mother? He knew his family couldn't afford it. Hell, he had given everything in his accounts before the suicide mission. He currently had 100 credits to his name. </p><p>"How did I catch up with you?" he heard Shepard say from behind him. "You should've been back to the ship by now. I had time to do my shopping," she smiled. </p><p>There was no way... it couldn't be her, she didn't even know. He hadn't told a soul. But who else? </p><p>"I um... I got you something," she said as she handed him a long, narrow case. </p><p>He took it and looked down. It was jet black, and the case had "Widow" engraved on it. </p><p>His mandibles spread apart wide in shock, "Shepard... I can't accept this... it's... it's too much."</p><p>"Nonsense," she said, raising a hand before he could retaliate, "I need the person who watches my six with a sniper to have the very best one."</p><p>"I can... I can save up and purchase this myself... Shep," he went on, but she placed a hand on his mandible.</p><p>"I want to, ok?" she said softly, sweetly. "You... you mean a lot to me. Let me get you this?"</p><p>His mandible twitched and his subharmonics hummed low. "Thank you," he whispered.</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>22:08: G: Hey, Liara, I need to get some information. Figure you're the person to talk to these days.</p>
<p></p><div class="WikiaPageContentWrapper">
<p></p><div class="WikiaMainContentContainer">
<p></p><div class="WikiaArticle"><p>22:10: L: Garrus! I'll do my best for an old friend. What do you need?</p>
<p></p><div class="mw-content-ltr mw-content-text"><p>22:10: G: I know that you know about my donation to the Helos Institute. </p><p>22:12: L: I... Yes. </p><p>22:12: G: I need to know who made another recently.</p><p>22:13: L: I'm sorry Garrus.</p><p>22:16: G: Who?</p><p>22:16: L: I'm not sure I should give that information. </p><p>22:16: G: L, who? Please.</p><p>22:20: G: Was it Shepard? Please, Liara.</p><p>22:22: L: Yes.</p><p>22:22: G:  Thank you</p><p>22:24: L: She cares about you, Garrus.</p><p>22:24: G:  I know.</p><p>22:26: L: I hope... I hope that the two of you... </p><p>22:26: G:  Thanks Liara</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Garrus reached out and knocked on Shepard's door.</p><p>"Come-in!" he heard her call out. "Garrus!" she said as he walked in, the same way she had when they were re-united on Omega. She was always happy to see him.</p><p>She saw the look on his face, and her smile faded. "What's wrong?"</p><p>He stood there for a moment, unsure how to proceed. She stood up slowly from the couch. </p><p>"Talk to the Shadow Broker lately?" he asked calmly.</p><p>"Liara? Yeah, I visited her two weeks ago. She's doing well." </p><p>"I'm curious, does she have a bunch of... personal information on all of us."</p><p>"She does," Shepard replied instantly. "She gave me full access. I did a full work up on the Squad and Crew. I know more than most people realize at this point," she said softly. </p><p>"Have you acted on this information?" he asked in a low voice.</p><p>"I found out some pretty embarrassing things for most of the Squad, but I'd never tell a soul. I don't think any less of them either, we're only human. Well, you know what I mean."</p><p>"Is that a no, then?" he said quietly.</p><p>Her eyes narrowed, suspiciously for the briefest of moments, before looking down towards the ground. "I... yes. But only with one thing. I know it's unethical. It won't happen again. I'm sure you protest my usage of Shadow Broker information." </p><p>"Was that one case me?" he said more directly. </p><p>Her eyes shot up, searching his face, but she didn't answer. She bit her bottom lip and her hands fidgeted. </p><p>He stepped close to her, so that he could feel her hands against his. She looked down, "I'm sorry." </p><p>He caressed her cheek with his fingers, pushing the hair out of her face slightly. She looked up in surprise, and she saw how his eyes looked into hers with love. He kissed her deeply. When they parted, she was panting, as was he.<br/>
"I'm sorry... for not telling you about her. You have enough things to worry about, I didn't want to put any more on your plate." <br/>
<br/>
He watched as her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry." She had been sharing his pain and he hadn't even known. She had soldiered on silently, just as he had. He fought back the lump in his throat. </p><p>"Thank you, Shepard," he said with as much feeling and sincerity as he could muster. "For everything." He suddenly felt very less alone in the galaxy. </p></div></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Not Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Garrus helps Shepard with hand-to-hand combat after Saren almost bests her on Virmire.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus heard the doors slide open, and turned to find Shepard standing in the doorway. </p><p>"Good to see you, Shepard," he said.</p><p>"Thanks for helping me out there, Garrus. I'm lucky to have you on my squad. I'm pretty sure that mission would have went sideways if you weren't there. Well... more sideways."</p><p>"You can count on me, Shepard." </p><p>"I actually have a favor to ask," she said softly.</p><p>"Shoot." </p><p>"When we fought Saren, well he almost won. I want to make sure that doesn't happen next time."<br/>
<br/>
He nodded, "Yeah, but that was one hell of a punch, Shepard. Even Saren must think you're a badass now."</p><p>"You think I'm a badass?" she chuckled.</p><p>"Damn straight, no way I couldn't after a punch like that." </p><p>"I got lucky with a distraction," she said, "I was in a dangerous position. Don't like feeling that vulnerable," she said softly. </p><p>He nodded, "Yeah. It was sticky there for a second. I didn't have a clean shot, didn't want to hit you." </p><p>"That's the problem when you've always got someone's six," she laughed, "Sometimes their fat six gets in your way." </p><p>He laughed outright. "So, what's that favor?"</p><p>"I was reading up on your qualifications. Your file says that you are a top ranked hand-to-hand combat specialist. I guess we were so impressed with your tactical and long range skills we didn't notice." </p><p>"Hah, yeah," he chuckled.</p><p>"I was one of the best in my class as well, with the Alliance. But fighting a Turian is different. They've got the edge when it comes to hand-to-hand. Throw any human at me and I'll put them on their ass in a heart beat."</p><p>"So, you want some tips? Or am I target practice?"</p><p>Shepard laughed, "Maybe both." </p><p>He saw the bruises beginning to form on her neck where Saren had held her. "Sure thing," he said seriously. "When do you want to start?"</p><p>"Do you have some time now?"</p><p>"Sure, just let me finish up these calibrations. Meet you on the training deck in 15?" </p><p>"Sounds good." </p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>It felt strange teaching a Human about Turian weaknesses. Part of him felt guilty, like he shouldn't be doing this. But Shepard was different. She had defended other races, welcomed them aboard her crew with as much trust for them as the Humans on her crew. And he had already come to respect her quite a bit. If she was going to take down Saren, he needed to help her out. </p><p>"Alright, see what you did just there? You tried to kick me from the front? That won't do as much damage as coming in from the side. Our knees work different from yours." </p><p>She came at him from a different angle, and he let her gently make contact. "See, now my knee is locked up and my mobility is reduced. I'd see that move coming from a Turian, but not a human. You could have an element of surprise in your favor."</p><p>"What about the face? The punch seemed to hurt him," she asked.</p><p>"Yeah, I think that's a good spot for most species. You got lucky, the plates under the eyes aren't as strong, and are more sensitive. You landed that punch in the right spot." </p><p>"As long as I don't get stabbed with that fringe," she teased as she ruffled his head.</p><p>"Yeah, well, you can use that to your advantage too. A good yank on those can immobilize as well, you know, as long as you avoid the stabbing," he chuckled. "Alright, you ready to Spar, Commander?"</p><p>"Let's do this," she said, raising her fists. </p><p>He began circling her. He was an experienced trainer. He knew how to scare green recruits and fluster them. He made himself appear as tall as possible, moving his head menacingly. He smiled as he watched Shepard smirk. She wasn't some green recruit. She ran at him, sliding down at the last second to swipe at his feet to off balance him. He saw it a mile away, jumped, and landed on her leg so that she was pinned. Shepard was prepared for that move. She had braced herself, and lifted up with all her might, throwing him back. She tried to kick at his knee from the side, but Garrus wasn't surprised. He evaded the kick at the last moment, so that she was now too close and vulnerable.</p><p>"Wait!" he called out, and she froze. "See here," he pointed down. "Now you're too close, and your leg is past mine. If I lift up right now, a spur is going straight through your leg." She nodded as she took a few steps back, resetting her stance. "You have to improve your reach. There's never a 100% chance a hit will land, and you need to be ready for if it doesn't. Reach more, and put more of your weight on your back foot. That will keep you away from the spurs."</p><p>She did as he asked, and kicked out at his knee. He evaded it easily, but her leg wasn't anywhere near his spur now. She had been so focused looking down, that she hadn't noticed he was swinging around until it was too late. He rammed into her hard, knocking her on her ass. She rolled back and jumped into a defensive position, but he was already on her. She evaded two punches, before aiming for the plates beneath his eyes with a punch of her own. He caught her fist in his hand and squeezed. Turians had incredible strength, and she winced slightly as she tried to pull away. "Don't panic," he said, "fight." </p><p>Garrus saw that ignite a fire in her eyes. Suddenly, a punch came out of nowhere and hit him right in the face. It wasn't as hard as the one she hit Saren with thankfully, and he quickly swiped a leg under her legs, causing her to fall instantly. She didn't flip back as she had before, but she tackled him, nearly knocking the wind out of him as she rose up into his abdomen. He regretted not having them in armor now. Garrus quickly grabbed her torso, and stood to his full height, easily lifting her off the ground,  and swung her off of him. She hit the floor with a thump. He jumped over her, raising his fist for a punch, and she rolled just in time to avoid it. She quickly took his extended arm, and flipped him over to the ground. She grinned at him, as she used her knee to pin his fringe to the ground, raising a fist once more. "That's some good flexibility, Shepard," he said, partly in truth and partly as a distraction. She didn't take the bait, but it turned out he didn't need the time. She was incredibly light-weight compared to a Turian opponent. He rose his knees up into her back, and she was off balance, slightly taking the pressure off his fringe. He extended both arms out, and sent her flying. She was on all fours, trying to get up quickly, but he was already on her. He lifted her up, grabbing her waist and putting a talon to her throat. </p><p>"A for effort, Shepard," he said in a low voice. Suddenly, she twisted around to face him, her body pressed against his, and she lifted her knee up into his groin. She had a smirk on her face, but he just looked at her in amusement. "Confused?" he asked as he pinned her down to the ground. "You might want to study up on Turian physiology a little more closely. </p><p>"Are you a girl, Vakarian?" she huffed. </p><p>He leaned in close, using the smoothest voice he could, "No." He pushed against her hard to get up, and she huffed as the breath left her lungs. She gasped for air for a second, giving him a warning look. He laughed, "Alright Commander?" he offered her a hand, which she took, rubbing her sternum with the other.</p><p>"This has been... informative," she said with a grin. </p><p>He nodded, "I think this is helping you." </p><p>"So, I'm sure this isn't professional and not what I should take away from this lesson but, do Turians not have... equipment down there?" she said, and he could tell she was mocking him. </p><p>"Did you forget that we're not as fragile as Humans? Why would the most important part of my body be so ridiculously exposed? You Humans," he said shaking his head in mock disappointment, "so soft."</p><p>She punched his arm playfully. "So how do I avoid those talons then?" </p><p>"Don't get close enough for them to be used. I don't have much advice for that. If someone used their talons on me it would make a nasty scratch. You? Pretty sure you'd die." </p><p>"Great," she huffed. She gently rubbed at her neck, the bruises becoming more apparent from Saren's attack. </p><p>"Don't worry, Shep. I won't let what happened on Vermire happen again. That son-of-a-bitch won't get his hands on you."</p><p>"Eh," she shrugged, "I'd kind of like a rematch. If we keep this up, I'll be able to kick his ass next time." </p><p>Garrus laughed, he liked the way she thought. "I'd pay money for that match. But seriously, how are you holding up? That was a scary fight."</p><p>She looked at him, searching his face. "It sucked." He nodded, but waited to see if she'd continue. Shepard looked at one of the training dummies and walked over to start punching it. He followed behind. "There's a lot riding on this Garrus. I can't fail." </p><p>"You won't, Shepard. And don't forget," he said as he placed a hand on her shoulder. She stopped punching, "We're in this together. You're not alone." </p><p>She looked up at him, searching his face again. "Thanks, Garrus" she said slowly. She rolled her shoulders, stretching her neck. "Let's continue this some other time. I think this will really help, and I really appreciate it."</p><p>"Anytime," he said confidently.</p><p>"Want to grab a beer?" she asked. "It's a great post-training activity." </p><p>"Sure, sounds good to me," he said. The Commander kept a professional relationship with her crew. He hoped, as a tag-along of sorts, she might be able to confide in him as a friend. Everybody needed that, even badass Commanders. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shepard reveals her past as she becomes closer friends with Garrus.<br/>TRIGGER WARNING! Rape/Slavery/PTSD</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sparring had become a regular pastime between the two friends. It had been months since Virmire, and Shepard knew every Turian weakness. At this point, they each won 50% of the time, and they seemed evenly matched. But they had fun, and neither of them ever suggested stopping their regular training sessions. </p><p>Shepard's quarters were just large enough for a sparing mat in front of the bed, so they had begun training there instead, where the beer was waiting cold in the fridge. They had become close through this time, learning each others strengths and weaknesses, and swapping stories over cold beers. Honestly, both of them would agree that they had never had such a close friend before. It was strange. Garrus would have assumed if he had a best friend they'd be a Turian. He never had a prejudice against humans, it just was unlikely. And yet here they were, flying through the galaxy side by side. </p><p>Shepard stood at the edge of the mat, trying to catch her breath. She seemed a bit off today, but Garrus never went easy on Shepard. He respected her too much for that. He checked her vitals through his headset. Her pulse was a little fast, and some of other readings were slightly off, but nothing to be concerned about. He attacked quickly, and she fell to the mat. He was on top of her before she had time to roll, and he slammed his carapace into her chest. That move wouldn't do any damage to a Turian. Hell, it might even stun him instead. But not a Human. He made sure it wasn't hard enough to do any damage, just enough to win the match.</p><p>And then, he saw Shepard respond in a way she never had before. A way he didn't even think she could. Like a green recruit. She shut her eyes tight, leaving herself vulnerable to attack. He lifted his weight off of her quickly, "Shepard?" She crossed her arms and placed them over her face, taking deep breaths. He placed a hand on her wrist, and she nearly jumped out of her skin, her eyes looked a panic, and she tried to backpedal away from him quickly. She seemed terrified of him.<br/>
<br/>
"Hey, it's ok," he said, putting his hands up. "We're done," he tried to assure her. Had he hurt her without realizing?</p><p>She suddenly snapped out of it, "Ah fuck, sorry Garrus, sorry," she stammered. </p><p>"Don't be," he said gently. "Are you alright?" </p><p>She inhaled sharply, pulling herself together,  her posture relaxing a bit. "Yeah, just... a bad day." </p><p>He stood and offered her a hand. "Want to talk?" </p><p>She went to the fridge and grabbed two drinks. She stocked Turian beer in her fridge now, and he smiled. </p><p>"Just got a report from Mindoir," she whispered.</p><p>"Where you grew up," he added. She nodded. "You haven't talked about it before." She looked down, rubbing her chest where his carapace had made contact. "Did I hurt you Shep?" he said in concern. </p><p>"No, no. Sorry, just... a bad memory. It just took me back for some reason, probably because I'm thinking about it today." </p><p>He stayed quiet for a moment before adding, "You can tell me anything, Shepard. If you need to. I've seen too many soldiers try and bury things. It's not healthy." </p><p>She looked up at him, with a haunted expression. "I really don't think you want me to do that, Garrus. You won't see me the same. And I like our friendship the way it is."</p><p>He shook his head, "Shepard, there is nothing you could say that would make me feel any differently about you. I respect the hell out of you, you know that. We've been through so much, I've seen too much of you and what you're capable of." </p><p>She looked down away and took a deep swig of her beer. She got up and got a second drink for herself out of the fridge and sat back down. She brought her knees up to her chest and drank deeply from the bottle. "You know that slavers took over the colony?"</p><p>"Yeah," he said softly.</p><p>"I was sixteen at the time. Young and stupid. My parents kept me hidden while most of the killing was happening. I'm sure they died out in the streets somewhere." She took another deep gulp before continuing. "After the Batarian's bloodlust seemed to quiet down a bit, they started searching more carefully. They hired some mercs to help with the search, to make sure they got all of the merchandise they had come for." Garrus' subvocals growled. "A Turian merc found me. Said he was gonna get his money's worth too before he turned me over. I tried... I really tried... hell our sparring matches would have come in handy back then," she paused to take another drink. </p><p>"Obviously he overpowered me with ease. I struggled, and he didn't like it. He used that handy move of slamming his carapace into me. But not like our sparring matches. Hard enough to where I felt my whole sternum crack, along with a bunch of ribs, even punctured a lung."  Shepard drank some more. "I passed out cold from the pain. Woke up a couple hours later. He probably thought I was dead, because he left me there in the dirt in a puddle of my own blood." She rose a trembling hand to her face, and her breaths were shaky.</p><p>Garrus felt an icy cold settle into his bones. Rape was still a foreign concept to his people. If a women didn't want any, her plates stayed shut up tight. Sure, there was some nasty violence. There were still some domestic violence cases that kept him up at night. But to hear of a carapace used in this way was sickening. It was a form of protection. Traditionally, females would only pick males with large carapaces for this vary reason. It could even be used to protect their young. He pictured the scared look in her eyes as she looked at him on the mat, and he felt overcome with emotion. </p><p>"My thighs were shredded, still.... bleeding pretty bad down there. So I guess he got what he came for after I passed out. I could barely walk. So I half dragged my ass out of that ally. That's when the Alliance soldier found me. She picked me up, got me patched up and I signed up right then and there." Shepard finished her second beer and grabbed another from the fridge. Garrus hadn't even touched his first. </p><p>She stood by the fridge, looking at the wall. "Listen, Garrus, I've never told a single soul about that. You're my best friend, and this has been a shitty day. I don't want... I don't want you to..." </p><p>He looked over and saw a few tears roll down her cheeks. He rose to stand behind her. "You're my best friend too, Shep. I'm here to listen, always. You're tough as hell, Shepard. I wouldn't dare view you differently, because I'd probably get a shotgun round to the face." </p><p>She laughed, and turned to face him. "True. And that'd be a shame, pretty boy. Wouldn't want to mess up that face." </p><p>He suddenly pulled her to him gently, and hugged her. She was stiff at first, but slowly brought her arms around him and hugged him back. He felt her head nuzzle into his neck. He knew one thing for sure. He would never hesitate to put a dozen rounds into any slaver he met. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Paragons and Renegades</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>First Impressions ^_^</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus didn't know what to expect from this Human. But she had offered to let him join her team to track down Saren, and that was enough for him. They were on their way to 'pay Fist a visit' and save a Quarian when somehow Shepard managed to recruit a Krogan onto her Squad as well. He didn't know any Human who would just as easily recruit aliens into their squad as they would humans, and he found himself becoming more and more surprised by the actions of this woman. To seemingly prove his point, after Shepard allowed him on the squad, and now again allowing Wrex to join them, the Human female Ashley loudly voiced her 'concerns'. </p><p>Shepard pulled her two human squad-mates aside. "Look, I want to try out these new recruits, see how they do on this one. You two, go back to the Normandy. I need you to come up with alternative plans to go after Saren if the council doesn't swing our way." </p><p>"Commander, I don't think it's a good idea to leave you alone with..." Ashley began.</p><p>"Ash, this is important. We need to find Saren, and I need to trust you two to give me some options, and you need to trust me to do my job. I can handle new recruits." </p><p>As Shepard walked back towards Wrex and Garrus, Garrus caught Shepard's eye, and she rolled her eyes and made a weird face. He chuckled at that. So she didn't share Ashley's views or 'concerns'. Good. He wasn't naive enough to think that she just trusted him, but at least she wasn't racist. He was a C-sec officer, so at least she had faith in that. He would help her keep an eye on the Krogan merc. </p><p>They found their way to where Fist was hiding, but were headed off by warehouse workers, "Stop right there!" </p><p>Wrex looked ready to just shoot, but Shepard lowered her weapon. "This might be a good time to find work somewhere else," she said in a menacing tone. The untrained men quickly lowered their weapons and left. </p><p>"It would have been quicker to kill them," the Krogan said.</p><p>"Shooting people isn't always the answer," Garrus said.</p><p>"Killjoy," the Krogan grunted. </p><p>He saw Shepard smirk as they moved towards Fist. </p><p>Somehow, Shepard had convinced Fist to surrender, when suddenly a loud bang, and Fist was dead. </p><p>"What are you doing?!" Garrus yelled out. Shit, he was C-Sec, he shouldn't be apart of this. If this was how Shepard played ball, maybe it was best to part ways. But then again, this human was his best shot at tracking down Saren. </p><p>"We don't shoot unarmed prisoners!" Shepard yelled. Most Humans wouldn't get close to a pissed off Krogan, but Shepard took a step towards him without fear.</p><p>"We have more pressing matters," the Krogan grunted. </p><p>That was true enough at least. Fist was a bad guy. This Quarian wasn't. "That Quarian is as good as dead if we don't move now," Garrus said.</p><p>Shepard gave one last warning glance towards Wrex, "Let's go," she practically growled. </p><p>It looked like she was one of the good ones. She wasn't afraid to stand up when something wasn't right. </p><p>---------------------------------</p><p>When they caught up to the Quarian, she was already fighting off a menacing looking group. </p><p>Shepard made a head shot on one with her pistol, and Garrus did the same. Wrex had already run up on one, and slammed him so hard into the wall that he practically exploded on impact. Shepard pulled out her sniper, and lined up the perfect head shot. She looked through her scope. The last man standing was in her cross-hairs, and suddenly, his head jolted back from a headshot. She took her eyes from the scope, and saw Garrus standing next to her, already putting his rifle on his back. "Damn, Vakarian," she turned to look at him, "I like your style Turian." She had no idea how he had time to grab his rifle and make the shot before her. </p><p>"I was gonna say the same thing," he chuckled. </p><p>--------------------------------------</p><p>The next thing Garrus knew, he was sitting in the Officer's circle on the Normandy. The 'officers' now were made up the Commander, two other Humans, one Quarian, one Krogan, one Assari, and one Turian. He had never seen anything like it, outside of the council itself. And she had managed to do it within a week. Everyone working towards a common goal, no infighting. Not including Ashley's killer looks or snide comments, but the team was thick-skinned and tough. He kept looking for a crack in the armor, kept looking for something. But his first impressions of Shepard seemed to be air-tight. And he was impressed. More than impressed, really. They might just have a shot at this thing. </p><p>"Garrus," Shepard called out as she approached.</p><p>"Thanks for bringing me on board Commander. I knew working with a Spectre could be better than a life at C-Sec."</p><p>"Too much red tape?" she asked.</p><p>"Exactly," he said. "If I'm trying to bring a suspect in, it shouldn't matter how I do it, as long as I do it."</p><p>"Hmm... I know what you're saying, but not if it comes at the expense of innocent lives. Innocent until proven guilty, Garrus. That's important. We do things right, not fast. Alright?"</p><p>"Yeah, I hear you Commander. I just hated having procedures and protocol come before justice. I joined C-Sec because I wanted to help people, not so that I could sit around on my ass watching bad people do bad things." He knew he sounded like a young, idealist. But damn it, he really believed what he was saying. </p><p>"Well, then I hope joining a Spectre with a code is a good fit for you, Garrus. Personally, I think it is," Shepard said, reaching out to shake his hand. "It's good to have you on the team." </p><p>"It's good to be here, Commander." He watched as she walked away. She was a hell of a leader, a great shot, and wasn't afraid of heading into danger if it meant doing the right thing. He liked this Human. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. What Is Best</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Between ME2 and ME3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Liara, thanks for coming back up to the ship."</p><p>"It is my pleasure, Commander. It is a welcomed trip away from the lair." Liara sat on the couch, accepting the glass of wine. "Commander, I should tell you that Garrus messaged me. He asked about your donation to the Helos institute. I'm sorry, but..."</p><p>Shepard held up a hand, "It's ok, Liara. It went well. He... appreciated it greatly." </p><p>"Oh, good. I was hoping for that result."</p><p>"Actually, I'm glad you brought that up. I need some advice from a friend. But you're the only one who knows of Garrus' situation. And how I feel about Garrus. You're really the only friend I can talk to, and I really value your advice."</p><p>"That means a lot Shepard. I feel the same way." </p><p>Shepard smiled. "It's about his family. Garrus has been invaluable to this team, as you know. We wouldn't have destroyed the collectors without him. Hell, I wouldn't be alive without him." Liara nodded in agreement. "But it seems we might have a small reprieve here. The council isn't budging, and neither is Earth. They're just not listening, and are moving at a monumentally slow pace. I may even be grounded."</p><p>"That's insane, Shepard, after everything!"</p><p>"I know, but you know how they are. We'll have to do everything ourselves. But in the meantime, we have a bit of downtime before the storm. If there was ever a time for Garrus to go home, it would be now. To help prepare Palavan, to... to see his mom." Liara nodded. "Our... relationship... it's still new. It's... undefined. I don't want to push him away and loose him. But... I feel like it's what's best for him. Even in your own dossier report, you said he was overshadowed by me. That he'll never reach his full potential under my command. I've been thinking about that a lot, and you're right."</p><p>Liara looked at her wine glass pensively. "I wrote what I felt was true, and I won't take that back. Everything you've said is true so far. I want to see you happy Shepard, and I've only ever seen you happy with Garrus. But I won't lie to you either. If you want to do what is best for him..."</p><p>"I do," Shepard said firmly. Liara looked at her sympathetically. "Thank you, Liara, truly. I just needed to run it by someone I could trust. Make sure it was the right thing to do."</p><p>"Of course, this all depends on how he actually feels. We both know helping Palavan might be reason enough to go. While he struggles with coming to terms with his mother, it would be in his best interest to go to her. He might feel differently about being 'over-shadowed' however. He might not care on bit."</p><p>Shepard shook her head, "I don't know how to tell him. We're not exactly in a committed relationship. How do I tell him that I care? That I don't want him to go? But also tell him to leave?"</p><p>"Garrus is extremely intelligent, Shepard. I'm sure he'll understand. Just speak from the heart."</p><p>Shepard nodded, "You're right." Shepard sighed, "let's talk about something else. How are you, Liara? Hows Feron?"</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Shepard sat on her couch, playing with Fuzz her hamster. The doors to her quarters slid open. "Hey," Garrus said coolly.  He eyed the small rodent, "I'll never understand that thing." </p><p>Shepard giggled, "You know you love him." She placed Fuzz in Garrus' hands, and the hamster sniffed and ran around in circles. Garrus looked at it uncomfortably. "Oh here, you giant baby," she teased as she put Fuzz back in his cage. </p><p>"If humans are soft, I could sneeze and accidentally crush the poor thing," he huffed.</p><p>Shepard rolled her eyes. She sat in Garrus' lap on the couch, and he pulled her in close, resting his hand around her waist. "This is... nice," he said quietly. "I was kind of wondering if your plan was to hit it and quit it to be honest." </p><p>"Wow... old human saying? Really?" Shepard said sarcastically. Garrus shrugged. Shepard placed her hand on his mandible carefully, the longest piece still looking raw even after all this time. "Garrus, I know we weren't planning on surviving that last mission. But my plan was to never hit and quit. You're my best friend, I wouldn't use you. I hope you feel the same."</p><p>"I do Shep, I do. I was just teasing," he said in that deep voice of his. </p><p>"Besides, you don't hit it twice if that's the plan. That day after the Citadel, remember?" she said in a dark tone.</p><p>"Oh, I remember," he nearly growled as he leaned in to kiss her. "I'll never forget that day." </p><p>Shepard smiled, and then remembered why she had called him in the first place. She frowned. </p><p>"What?" he asked.</p><p>"I... I needed to talk to you about something."</p><p>He looked at her with concern, "Listen, if this is about the Collectors, I'd say we've earned a break wouldn't you?"</p><p>"Ha, never," she joked. "But it's not about that." She stood up, and walked over to the fish tank. She couldn't look him in the face. She sighed, "I think you should go back to Palavan."</p><p>There was silence for a moment. "You're really sending mixed signals here Shepard," he said, with no tone of humor in his voice, and she winced at one of the fish swimming in front of her. </p><p>"Look, we've earned a break, you're right. But we both know that our planets need to start preparing now if we're to survive what's to come. You could save them, Garrus. No other Turian knows what you do."</p><p>"We can do that together," he said in a strained voice. </p><p>She shook her head, "I have to worry about Earth."</p><p>He sighed, not answering.</p><p>"It's not just that Garrus."</p><p>"What then?"</p><p>"After you've prepared and helped Palavan, when shit goes down, you know as well as I that the two of us will probably be on the front lines. This might be your last chance to... to go home. See your family... your mother." </p><p>Garrus was silent. Shepard focused in and heard the softest dissonance in his subvocals, and she turned to look at him. He wasn't looking at her anymore. Even as she approached, his face was turned away. She took his face in her hand and pulled it to look at her. "I'm sorry, Garrus."</p><p>"Yeah," he whispered.</p><p>He stood, looking away again. "This isn't about... the two of us... you know..."</p><p>She shook her head, "No. No, definitely not." She looked down at her shoes. "I just want whats best for you Garrus. You've got a good chance at leadership in Palavan right now." </p><p>"I don't want that," he interrupted.</p><p>"But," she continued, "you're a brilliant leader Garrus. You can make a difference. I know that you know that." She took his hand in hers, "And, I think you'll regret it if you don't go home now, Garrus. I just want you... I just..." </p><p>He reached out and cupped her cheek, "Thanks, Shep," he whispered. </p><p>"Should I reach out to Palavan, then?" she asked.</p><p>He took a deep breath, "Yes. You're right, as always. I always follow your lead Shep, even now." </p><p>She reached up on her toes, and kissed his mandible. "For what it's worth, I'll miss you." </p><p>He reached his arms around her torso, leaning her back and kissing her deeply. "For what it's worth, I'll miss you too." </p><p>He stood and released her, and walked towards her cabin door. He turned to look at her, just before it closed. </p><p>Once it had, Shepard collapsed on her bed and took some deep breaths. Once she had regained her composure, she walked over to her personal terminal.</p><p>She began to write a letter to Turian Command:</p><p>
  <em>"Garrus Vakarian is an invaluable member of my team. As a spectre, I can say without a doubt that Vakarian is the most talented combat specialist I have ever had the pleasure to work with. He took down Saren, and now he helped take down a Collector base through the Omega 4 Relay. His skill and wisdom have saved my life and countless other lives more than once. Although my team will miss him greatly, Vakarian has decided that he would like to return to Palavan in order to assist with the necessary preparations that must be made to defend Palavan from the impending Reaper attack. All I can say, is that Palavan is gaining one of it's most valuable war heroes. We must all work together if we are to survive this, so please know that I will do whatever I can to help Palavan as well. We would like to request a hearing with Turian high-command upon our arrival. Please respond with our appointment time. Thank you, Commander Shepard, SR2 Normandy"</em>
</p><p>Shepard then began a second letter:</p><p>
  <em>"To the family of Garrus Vakarian:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My name is Commander Zyla Shepard of the SR2 Normandy. I wanted to thank you for your patience regarding Garrus' return. Due to the sensitive nature of our work, you can understand that our families were not informed of our missions or whereabouts, and I gave this order to Garrus as well. I can now inform you that Garrus was in charge of one of the teams responsible for getting us through the Omega 4 Relay and destroying a Collector Base, in addition to destroying a Reaper itself. I hope that you can understand the gravity of these actions. Garrus' actions led to quite literally saving not only our crew, but most likely our entire civilization. I am in no way exaggerating the importance of these missions. While I fear we have merely discovered the hornet's nest, rather than completely eradicated it, it is a giant victory. Being a military family, I know that you understand the importance of celebrating these victories, and the implications of them. Garrus will certainly be commemorated and celebrated by not only the council, but the Alliance as well. I'm sure the Turian's will feel similarly upon reading our reports. While it is difficult parting with such a valuable member of my team, Garrus has requested to be relocated for the time-being on Palavan in order to spend time with his family and help his people prepare for the imminent danger of the Reaper threat. All I can say is Palavan is gaining one of it's most valuable war heroes, and the Vakarian household is lucky to have such an honorable man. Please accept my sincerest thanks. I know that our Alliance Military families keep us going, and I'm sure the same can be said for yours. I don't wish to take up more of your time, so I'll close by once again thanking you for your patience and support. We are heading to Palavan now, and I will forward you our trip details, should you wish to meet Garrus there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sincerely, Commander Zyla Shepard, SR2 Normandy"</em>
</p><p>Shepard started a third letter:</p><p><em>Sol,<br/>
</em> <em>I wanted to send you a second transmission, privately. If you were wondering why your mother's medical bills have all been paid for, the answer might be closer to home than you think. All I know, is that one of our crew members have asked that the entirety of their paychecks be forwarded to the Helos Institute facility for room #305. Anonymity was extremely important to this crew member, for some reason, so if you happen to discover who it was please don't tell them I tipped you off. I might get a shotgun blast to the face. In addition, it turns out that Collector tissue samples are responsible for the recent ground-breaking research regarding Corpalis Syndrome. I wonder who stole those from the Collector base my crew was at in the Omega 4 Relay, throughout our extremely dangerous mission. Strange. <br/>
Sincerely, Commander Zyla Shepard</em></p><p>Shepard went to log out, but instead started a final letter:</p><p><em>Liara,</em><br/>
<em>I have a very personal request. Would it be possible to use Shadow Broker resources to jump-start and fund Corpalis Syndrome research? I believe the Collector tissue samples have held promising results, but still no cure. With enough funds and resources, we might just be close. What do you think?</em><br/>
Zyla</p><p>Shepard closed out of her messaging system and pulled up her squad details. She clicked on Garrus' name, and maximized his picture on her screen. She took out a beer from the fridge, and drank it at her desk. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've just been writing these as they come to me. I hope it's ok that they're out of order. Should I change it when I'm done and switch the chapters around? :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Trauma - Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shepard finds Archangel</p><p>(ME1&gt; ME2)<br/>Warning - Depictions of Violence and Graphic depictions of injury</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Shepard:</em><br/>
<br/>
How had it been two years? Shepard felt like she had maybe taken a long nap. Hell, she had just dropped Garrus off at Palavan 8 days ago. He had needed to return to help the Turian government deal with the fall out of Saren. Her goodbyes were cut short when they had gotten word from Admiral Hackett of some sort of vessel nearby that needed to be dealt with. Obviously that didn't go her way. She remembered being spaced. Remembered turning her mic off as she gasped for air so the crew wouldn't hear. Remembered everything turning red as she entered the upper atmosphere of the nearby planet just as her vision left her from a lack of oxygen. But that's it. It was like she fell asleep at that moment, and woke up at a Cerberus facility. Fucking Cerberus. What the hell was she into now? </p><p>When she saw Tali, her heart soared. Finally, a friend. Someone she could trust. If she really had been gone for two years, she would've thought Tali would have joined her right then and there. But she didn't... she had moved on, and was deep into her own mission. And just like that, Shepard felt alone again. Apparently every single one of her team and had moved on and moved up in the world. She was happy for them. Glad. She wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But damn, was she alone in this. And she sure as hell didn't trust Cerberus. At least she had Joker. </p><p>And now she was on some shithole planet to go recruit some other asshole she didn't know or trust. Although she had to admit, Archangel sounded pretty badass. She liked his style, and she liked the scum he was wiping off the face of the earth... Omega that is. She read up on reports on their trip to Omega on this guy. All just rumors and speculation, which made her nervous. But if the reports were to be believed, this guy had to be an amazing shot. She could use someone like that.</p><p>Her omni-tool beeped at an alert she had set for any news on Archangel. A merc group reporting heavy casualties. Apparently Archangel killed 15 people with headshots, without ever being caught or even detected before the rest ran for it. Damn. It made her think of Garrus. He was the only person from her former team that she had no intel on. If even the Illusive Man didn't have anything, that made her nervous. That jerk better be alive and well, that's all she knew, or she would kill him herself. </p><p>Shepard felt her palms becoming sweaty as she spoke with the Merc leaders, pretending to be a gun for hire. If somehow they found out she wasn't just that, they were surrounded by a hundred mercs in the area. She was told to head over the bridge as a distraction. <em>Great,</em> she thought to herself. We'll be picked off before we recruit that guy. She looked down at her N7 gear. It's a damned good thing these Mercs didn't know about specifics with Alliance military. Maybe she shouldn't have worn her gear. Right as she was looking at it, a concussive round hit her N7 mark, knocking her backwards. "Shit!" she said. "Heads up!" she yelled at Jacob and Miranda. She started to run for cover when a concussive round hit her helmet, knocking it half off her face. "My shields are down," she yelled at her squad, while grasping at her helmet to put it back on. She wished Garrus was here. He could have found the sniper and out-sniped him by now after those shots. </p><p>"We have to move, Commander," Jacob yelled out, "How are your shields?"</p><p>"Ready! Run for the cover up ahead!" As they ran, two mercs on either side of Shepard received head shots, and she felt her adrenaline kick into high gear. She still had a while to go before making it to cover. But no shots fired. Maybe she got lucky and the sniper had to reload. Once they got close to the other side of the bridge, Shepard took a shot at the Merc running in front of her. "Now!" she yelled to her team. They shot every merc the could as they ran. Archangel helped out, killing a few that were around them. They made it to Archangels location on the lower level, and took cover to get rid of the rest of the Mercs that had made it with them. Finally, they headed up the stairs.</p><p>There he was. A Turian in blue armor, still aiming his weapon out the window. "Archangel?" she asked softly. The Turian held up a finger, aimed, and shot. A Merc must have snuck through. Archangel leaned on his rifle, and grunted as he rose to his feet. <em>'He's starting to get tired, make mistakes,'</em> she remembered a Merc saying. How long had he been here holding this mini-army off by himself? </p><p>He walked over slowly, taking his helmet off as he took a seat on some nearby crates. "Shepard," he said softly, "I thought you were dead."</p><p>"Garrus!" Shepard's heart jumped. Thank God. "What are you doing here?!" </p><p>"Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice." He sounded breathless, tired. He was in rough shape. Even her best friend seemed older now. </p><p>"Are you ok?" she asked.</p><p>"Been better. But it sure is good to see a friendly face."</p><p>"I feel the same way," she whispered back. "You nailed me pretty good back there," she said pointing to the crack in her helmet, "but you figured out who I was I guess."</p><p>"Yeah, if I had wanted to do more than take your shields down, I would have done it," he said.</p><p>Shepard laughed. "How the hell did you get stuck up here Garrus?"</p><p>"It's a long story. I'll tell you all about it if you get me the hell out." </p><p>"Deal," she said, reloading her rifle. </p><p>Shepard dealt with wave after wave of mercs. With each wave she noticed Garrus voice sounding more and more tired. She left Jacob up there with him for the next wave. Suddenly, he heard an air turret. What the hell, what the hell Merc has that kind of fire power? She raced into the room to find Garrus on the ground behind some cover. "Shit," she whispered. <br/>
<br/>
Garrus grunted as he tried to run out of the room towards her. They both knew a rocket would light up the whole room any second. But he was too slow. She watched as he took a direct hit and went flying across the room. "Garrus!" she cried out. Now she was pissed. She felt a new kind of rage in her that she hadn't known before. Suddenly, she threw up a barrier around herself. "Huh", she said, not realizing she could do that. She jumped from behind her cover with her grenade launcher, and hit the ship, instantly bringing it down. They took out the remaining mercs easily.</p><p>"Call the Normandy, we need evac!" she yelled at Miranda. She ran over to Garrus, and felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. He was lying in a pool of blue blood. She carefully rolled him towards her, "Garrus," she whispered. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he gasped for air. Thank God, he was alive. But he sounded terrible. She rolled him over further and heard his lungs fill with blood as he gurgled and gasped for air. "Shit," she said. Now she could see the other side of his body. His armor was just gone around his carapace, neck and face, along with chunks of his skin. The skin that remained hung off of his lower and upper neck. His face was a whole other matter. There were just straight-up holes. His mandible was torn to pieces, half gone. His eye was so swollen shut, she just hoped it was still there. And at this point, there was so much blood she couldn't even see the extent of the full damage. Medi-gel couldn't fix this. "Damn it, Vakarian, stay with me buddy," she said as his breathing got worse. He clutched for his rifle weakly. "It's ok Garrus, it's ok, I've got you." Jacob crouched beside them, "He's not doing good, Commander, I don't think he's gonna make it."</p><p>"No," she said firmly, "Not an option Garrus. You hear me? I haven't been dead for two years just to come back to watch you die." She placed medi-gel on some of the smaller injuries. </p><p>"Here," Jacob said as he handed her an injector. "I still keep an injector of combat morphine on me. Habit from my Alliance days," he said softly. <br/>
<br/>
"Safe for Turians?" she asked.</p><p>"Yes, safe for all of the council races." </p><p>She injected it quickly. She rolled him onto her lap. "Go check on that evac, please Jacob." Jacob nodded and ran out of the room. </p><p>"Garrus," she whispered, "Stay with me buddy... please." Tears came to her eyes, rolling down onto good mandible. She wiped them quickly. </p><p>If she was being honest with herself, the thought of Garrus had gotten her through the past couple weeks. She had always held out hope that she would find him. She knew that even if everyone else said no and wouldn't join her, that he would. He choked on his own blood, trying to say something.</p><p>"It's ok Garrus, I've got you... I've got you," she cried. "I'm not going anywhere," she said as she leaned down and pressed her forehead to his. His eyes shut and she felt his hand on hers. Suddenly, she felt the pressure from his hand release, and she shot her eyes open. His eye was closed, and his breathing was shallow. "Garrus?" she said softly. No response. "Garrus! Stay with me!" </p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Shepard sat in her new cabin. She didn't sit on the couch or her bed, but she sat on the floor in front of the fish tank, with her head on her knees. She felt traumatized. He was alive and in surgery, and they had insisted she get cleaned up instead of remain in the med bay. She looked down at her hands, her armor, all covered in thick drying Turian blood. She slowly got up and went to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror. She knew why they had insisted now. Blue streaks ran across her face, interrupted by lines from her tears. Hell it was even in her hair. God, it was everywhere. She started shaking, a dry sob leaving her chest. She barely registered the hot water from the shower. She leaned her head against the metal surface of the walls. Images of his torn up flesh flashed through her mind. All she wanted to do was go to him now. "<em>Go to him and... kiss him? Whoa, time to calm down Shepard. You're letting the trauma of seeing your best friend get blown up go to your head," </em> she thought. She shut the water off abruptly. "Damn it!" she cried out, as she punched the wall. <em>"He's Turian, and you're a dead Human. Pull yourself together," </em> she thought as she dried off quickly. </p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Shepard shot up from sleep quickly. It had been three weeks since she had found Archangel. And each night since then, she had woken with terrible nightmares, watching her best friend get blown to hell and die in her arms. She got up and walked to the infirmary. Dr. Chakwas was still up.  "The nightmares?" she asked. Shepard nodded. "Here's another weeks worth. Shepard, make sure you talk to Kelly. That will help more than these," she said softly. Shepard nodded again, "Thanks doc."</p><p>She walked out and found Garrus sitting at a galley table. His hand on his injured face, his eyes shut tight. "You ok?" she asked quietly.</p><p>"Ah, yeah Shep. How bout you? Why are you at the infirmary?" </p><p>She shook the pill bottles, "Helps me sleep. What about you? Pain keeping you up?"</p><p>He nodded, "Yeah. Was just about to as the Doctor about a higher dosage."</p><p>"Take care of yourself, Garrus. That's an order."</p><p>"Yes ma'am." He got up and walked into the infirmary.</p><p>He didn't even crack a joke. She was right, he had jumped in to follow her lead, just like she knew he would. But even Garrus seemed different after their two years apart. He seemed tired, older, sad. She knew it could be due to the medication and extensive injuries. He was traumatized. But it felt like more. She just wanted him to be ok. She sighed and took a pill, before heading back to her cabin. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Trauma - Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Garrus' POV - Archangel</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus felt sick. He ran outside and puked. He had only been back on Palavan a week, when news of the Normandy reached him. </p>
<p>"I'm so sorry Garrus... I'm," Joker said before Garrus disconnected. </p>
<p>"Damn it!" he yelled once he had finished. The word 'spaced' looped in Garrus' mind. </p>
<p>"Garrus?" Sol asked, concerned. </p>
<p>He handed her the datapad with the news story. "Oh Spirits," she breathed, "Garrus thank the Spirits you weren't on that ship."</p>
<p>"What's this?" his father asked as he walked outside and took the datapad. "Sol, give us a minute," he said stoically. </p>
<p>He placed the datapad down by Garrus' hand. "Most people would say what your sister said, Garrus. And those people are lucky. But I know that's not the first thought in a soldier's head. I'm sorry for your crew, Garrus. It sounds like most of them made it though. It's a shame about the Commander. She was one of the good ones." He placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "Soldier on, son." </p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>"Sol?" he said softly as he knocked on her door.</p>
<p>"Come on in, Garrus," she replied. She was sitting on her bed, painting. She had always been good at it. </p>
<p>He shifted his weight awkwardly, unsure how to proceed, unsure how to tell her he was leaving. </p>
<p>"You know that the work I've been doing on Palavan is done?" he asked. </p>
<p>"Yeah! And you got that fancyyy award," she teased. She straightened a bit, "Mom would be proud Garrus, if she understood."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Sol," he replied softly. "Well, now that it's over, I've got another job lined up, but it's not on Palavan."</p>
<p>Sol's shoulders tightened, and her eyes narrowed. "You couldn't find anything here?" she asked accusingly.</p>
<p>"This was brought to my attention, and it's important. It's going to help a lot of people." </p>
<p>"That's great, Garrus, but what about helping your family?"</p>
<p>Garrus looked at his feet. Loosing Shepard, and watching his mom die at the same time was taking it's toll. With each passing day he had a stronger urge to just get up and run. To finally make a damned difference somewhere. It sure as hell seemed nothing he did here could help. "Sol, I'm not helping. Nothing I've done has helped."</p>
<p>"You've helped me," she cried. </p>
<p>"Sol, I'm gonna try and get some money together to pay for mom's bills. That's helping too."</p>
<p>"What kind of job doesn't have a secure pay check? Garrus, what the hell are you doing?" When he didn't answer she bounded from the bed, swinging her fist at his face. He blocked it quickly and pinned her arm down.</p>
<p>"I see your military training is going well," he huffed. He released her and she looked at him with an anger he'd never seen in her before.</p>
<p>"Just go, Garrus. It's what your good at." She turned her back on him and stared out the window. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Sol," he whispered as he headed out the door, "I love you." </p>
<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Omega was a shit-hole, that was for sure. He had his work cut out for him, but that's what he wanted. He needed to keep busy. He needed to make a spirits-damned difference somewhere. </p>
<p>He had only been there a week, and he had uncovered 8 trafficking rings. 7 of which he took out. Every single one of those assholes died, and every single one of their remaining slaves was freed. He was working on number 8 now. He was perched in the best spot he could find, when suddenly, he saw a man sneaking into the room behind some crates. '<em>What the hell is this guy doing, trying to get himself killed?'</em> Garrus quickly realized he was also there alone, and wondered if he was trying to get himself killed. He felt uncomfortable and pushed the thought from his mind. </p>
<p>"Now or never," he mumbled. He dropped the first two traffickers with one shot, and quickly hit a third. The man behind the crates spun around in surprise, but didn't miss the opportunity. He jumped from cover and took out 2 of his own. <br/><br/>The rest would be back soon, it was time to get these people out of here. Garrus jumped down 2 stories to the ground, weapon pointed at the unknown. "Who are you?" Garrus asked through his helmet. </p>
<p>The man put up his hands, "Just a guy trying to free innocent people."</p>
<p>Garrus lowered his weapon, "Good." They worked quickly to free the slaves. "Come with me," he told them. </p>
<p>He brought them to a pipe that would lead them to a safe house. "There's food and water waiting for you. In one day, a contact will come to bring you to a safe transport ship." Garrus had only made one ally while he was on his way to Omega. Someone who ran a transport ship, who was a former slave. The same transport ship he had taken to get there. That worked out nicely. </p>
<p>The innocents fled through the pipe. "Thank you!" one human woman said, squeezing Garrus' arm. "We'll never forget you!" </p>
<p>Garrus helped her into the pipe, and turned to face the newcomer. "Why are you doing this?"</p>
<p>"Why are you?" the man said hesitantly. Garrus remained silent, waiting for an answer. "I just... I saw those people get taken, and I had to do something. I couldn't just sit by and watch."</p>
<p>"What's your name?"</p>
<p>"Butler," the man replied.</p>
<p>Garrus brought up his omni-tool and searched the man's facial records. He was clean. Garrus removed his helmet, "Are you interested in doing some more work like this?"</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>It's not what Garrus had envisioned, but honestly it was better. It wasn't the Normandy, it wasn't galaxy-changing, but it was a team. His team. He watched as his team executed his orders perfectly. "Nice shot!" he rang out through the comms. </p>
<p>Garrus' fighting style had become ruthless during his time at Omega. He lined up the perfect shot, and it went through three men at once. He ran forward, vaulting over a crate, and shot two men with his pistol as he did so. The last man was trapped. "Ready for justice?" he asked his team. </p>
<p>They responded with "hell yeah," and "you know it, boss." <br/><br/>Garrus pushed the man down and pinned his throat with his boot. "Grab that red sand from that crate, Sidonis."</p>
<p>Sidonis handed him a small bag.</p>
<p>"Do you know how many people have died from your dealings?"</p>
<p>"Hey man, it's just business!" shouted the dealer. "It's not my responsibility." </p>
<p>"Wrong answer," Butler half laughed. </p>
<p>"Sensat, your sister was one of his victims. Care to help me out?"</p>
<p>"With pleasure," Sensat replied with relish.</p>
<p>"Open his eyes, nice and wide. All four of them."</p>
<p>"What?! What the fuck are you doing, no get off me!" cried the dealer. </p>
<p>"Shut up, Thralog!" Sensat sad as he peeled back the man's eyelids.</p>
<p>Garrus opened the bag and poured the sand directly into the mans eyes. He screamed and thrashed. It took 30 minutes for the man to overdose. </p>
<p>Suddenly, out of nowhere, they were surrounded by mercs. His team circled up. "Let's do this," Garrus growled. </p>
<p>He used his visor to track how many kills his teammates got. By the time the were back at the base, Garrus had 35 on his specs, with the rest of his team clocking in at around 10 per person.</p>
<p>"Beers on me," Garrus said as he cracked open a case.</p>
<p>--------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>This one, Garrus decided to do alone. It had been a year to the day since Shepard passed. This one was for her. He hunted the man like the prey that he was. When the slaver was finally in the back of the ally, Garrus revealed himself. He wasn't sniping this one, although it would've been all too easy. </p>
<p>Garrus through an incinderary bomb at the man, and he was encased in flames instantly. He screamed in pain, but Garrus didn't stop advancing. He fractured the mans face with the butt of his rifles, even as the man writhed in pain from the flames still licking at his skin. He fell to the ground, writhing in pain. He shot the man 16 times in total, one for each year Shep had been alive when her colony was raided. Two in each arm and leg, two in the crotch, one in each lung, two in the heart, and two in the skull. Kron Harga had been one of the main slavers on Mindoir. It took years, but finally, Shep had some justice. Garrus fell to his knees, his riffle fell beside him. He watched Kron's body burn till there were only embers. He pulled out his omni-tool and checked his account. Sure enough, the money for the kill was already there. He sent the whole amount to a different account. "HelosInstitute305". Then, he went to the bar and ordered two beers. </p>
<p>----------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Garrus entered his room, and put his helmet and gun on the table. He looked around his empty room. The only thing he had was a pic of the Normandy crew on his nightstand. He went over and picked it up. Shepard was elbowing him in the arm, as he probably said something sarcastic. <br/><br/>He adjusted the settings on the frame and uploaded a second pic to rotate through. It as a pic of him and his team. He almost smiled. Almost. </p>
<p>Suddenly, a message popped up on his omni-tool from Sidonis. "Shit," Garrus said, as he quickly grabbed his helmet and gun and ran out the door. Garrus ran all the way to the meet point, but no one was there. "What the hell?" he mumbled under his breath. He pulled up his messages.</p>
<p>20:19 : G : Sidonis, where the hell are you? </p>
<p>20:26 : G : I can't stay here. Too exposed. Where the hell are you?</p>
<p>As Garrus approached his base, he knew something was wrong. He ran upstairs. Two of his men were leaned up against some crates. "Garrus... we... we couldn't hold them off," one said through coughing up blood. </p>
<p>The other reached out to Garrus, and he went to him. Garrus knelt down, and went to take a pulse, only to realize through his visor that there no longer was one. "Damn it," Garrus whispered as he went to to his last teammate. </p>
<p>"There were... too many... I," he choked out.</p>
<p>"It's ok... It's alright, You did good. You did good," Garrus said softly as his only teammate took his last breath. </p>
<p>Garrus slowly stood up, feeling the most rage he had ever experienced in his life. He shook his head to try to think clearly. He had to take care of his men first. He carried their bodies down the stairs, and carried them into a ship. He left the ship near C-Sec and made the call. He left a message at C-Sec from archangel, hoping that his crew would be returned to their families. He found the best perch, and waited. It took two hours, but finally a car pulled up from C-Sec. <br/>Garrus jumped down, and silently ran into the shadows of Omega. </p>
<p>--------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Well, he had successfully pissed off just about every Merc band in Omega. That was his plan, and it worked. He hadn't planned as far as his actually surviving this. Then again, he hadn't planned on them teaming up. It was pretty impressive, that they hated him enough to team up with people they would normally shoot on sight. Garrus didn't necessarily want to die, but if this is how he went out he'd be ok with it. He had been fighting them off for... how long had it been? Two days? More? He hadn't eaten or slept since then, and now he was out of water. He reloaded his sniper behind cover, then quickly lifted up and placed his rifle on the ledge. His vision spun as he felt light headed from moving to quickly. His shot was way off. "Shit," he mumbled. He steadied himself, and looked through the scope again. *Pop* *Pop*, two more hit the ground. "208", he counted. Counting helped keep him grounded. This number included the group he killed to lure them in. 20 with one grenade. It wasn't half bad. </p>
<p>He took the opportunity while the mercs were regrouping, to pull out his omni-tool. His vision was blurry. "Shit," he said again. </p>
<p>13:42 : G : Sol, just wanted to tell you that I love you, and I'm proud of you. Sorry for... everything. </p>
<p>Garrus pulled up a pic of his team. Then pulled up a pic of the Normandy's crew. He wondered if she would be proud of him. She had supported him trying to become a Spectre, and this sure as hell wasn't that. But it had been something. He had tried.</p>
<p>He grunted as he got to his knees, breathing heavily. Damn, he was tired. Even holding up his rifle was hard. </p>
<p>He looked through his scope, and suddenly, there was the familiar N7 armor. "What the hell is N7 doing out here?" He shot a concussive round at it, just curious. The woman stumbled back. Damn, it even looked like her. Was he hallucinating? Was he finally dying? He quickly shot another round at her helmet. Garrus felt his stomach drop. If he was going to die, the spirits would be kind if they gave the mercs her face to do it. He'd let this one through. She had a team with her. He shot the mercs around them, and suddenly they did too. "What the hell?"</p>
<p>Finally, N7 made it up. "Archangel?" </p>
<p>Holy shit, it was her voice too. He held up a finger, and killed the last merc that had followed her. He used his riffle to stand again. Damn he as tired. He looked over, and saw her face up close. It was her. Sweet spirits. Was he already dead?</p>
<p>He took off his helmet and sat down, "Shepard." </p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>It was just like old times. She was saving his ass once again. And she was kicking ass. Suddenly, he was being pelted with bullets. One shot made it through his armor in his leg, and he fell to the ground. He drug himself behind cover, and glanced back at the airship. Shit, that thing was armed to the teeth. He had to get out of there or he'd be dead for sure. He grunted, trying to run out of the room towards Shepard. Damn it, he was tired. The last thing he saw was a ball of fire and metal headed for his face. And then everything went black.</p>
<p>Suddenly,  he was gasping for breath. He heard something. What was it? It sounded important. </p>
<p>"Garrus!" He gasped again, and suddenly, he saw her face, hovering above his. "Garrus, stay with me buddy. It's ok, it's ok I've got you."</p>
<p>He wanted to tell her he was sorry. That she was his best friend. That it was ok. He tried, but he felt like he was drowning. How was he drowning right now? Nothing made any sense. And suddenly her face got closer. She pressed her forehead to his. She kissed him. He closed his eyes. It felt nice. It felt right. And suddenly the world went black. </p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>He was gasping for air again. Where was he? What was happening? He was panicking, he knew, but he couldn't help it. <br/><br/>"Garrus! Garrus, it's alright, your in the Normandy med-bay, this is Dr. Chakwas, can you hear me?"</p>
<p>He clutched at the bed. His face was on fire. Fucking on fire. </p>
<p>"Give him more sedative and pain relief," she called out. "Garrus, we have to add some cybernetics to rebuild your mandible. I promise you, you won't even notice when I'm done, you'll have full functionality."</p>
<p>He tried to speak, but a pain shot up his jaw.</p>
<p>"No, you can't speak yet. Your mandible is all but gone. We're putting you under, ok? Don't worry, we've got you Garrus," she soothed.</p>
<p>It didn't kick in fast enough. Garrus' subharmonics started ringing out in high-pitched agony. </p>
<p>"Why is his mouth open like that?" one of the nurses asked.</p>
<p>"He's screaming, humans just can't hear Turian sub-harmonics," Dr. Chakwas said quietly. </p>
<p>"Shit."</p>
<p>"More sedative! He's large even for a Turian. He'll need more."</p>
<p>"Yes, Doctor."</p>
<p>The world faded, and suddenly he saw Shepard's face above him. She was crying. Turian blood smeared across her face, neck, hand, hell it was everywhere. Suddenly, the dream changed and she was kissing him. Passionately. Like humans do. He grabbed her waist and....</p>
<p>"Agghhh", he groaned as he woke. The pain in his face woke him. He couldn't remember what he had been dreaming about, but it had to be better than this shit. He reached a hand up and felt a bandage on the whole side of his face and down his neck.</p>
<p>"It's a dermaflex-bandage. It will help regenerate your cells. There are patches of skin still gone. Unfortunately, I don't have the Turian technology to replicate your skin on board, Garrus. But you're going to be ok. You'll need that bandage on for a few months, with regular check ups with me to replace it."</p>
<p>He grunted as he sat on the bed. "No you don't, you need rest. You shouldn't even be up yet."</p>
<p>"I'm alright," he mumbled. "I've got to go see a friend." </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Bar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I'm not crying... 😭😭<br/>----------------------------------------------</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus' eyes were shut, but he could feel Shepard's hand on his, could feel her body heat on the bed next to him. His heart was full. "Meet you at the bar, big guy," he heard Shepard whisper. He took a deep breath.</p><p>
  <em>Garrus opened his eyes slowly to see the Palavan sun shining brightly over the hills. It was so warm and cozy, and he smiled to himself. He turned around to see a small bar, and he just knew, that was the one. He entered to see Shepard and his mother at the bar. They were talking, laughing with big smiles, happy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shepard turned and smiled. "Garrus!" she exclaimed, just like every time they were reunited. Either after two years or 5 minutes. She loved him so much. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Shep!" he said happily. "Wait, you shouldn't be here yet. I just left, and you were still there." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shepard handed Garrus a beer, "Time works a little differently around here. I stuck around that galaxy for too many years without you. Stupid Cerberus. But hell, you should know by now Garrus."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Know what?" he asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Even now, there's no Shepard without Vakarian."</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>He pressed his forehead against hers, "Never." </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Loss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shepard looses very important friends.<br/>Garrus and Shepard try to find a balance in their relationship that won't compromise their mission, or put their teammates at risk.</p>
<p>**Major Character Death**</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I just don't get it, Liara. One moment, he's admitting his feelings for me and we're talking about picking things up where we left off, and the next I can only get a few side comments about our missions and then just 'not right now',". </p>
<p>Liara shook her head, "I'm not sure, Shepard. It's clear he likes you. It's clear he has feelings for you. He volunteers for every mission." Liara looked down pensively, "I have seen him reporting to Victus regularly since the Primarch joined us. Perhaps there's something there."</p>
<p>It took exactly 30 minutes for the Shadow Broker to come back to Shepard's cabin with an answer. "It seems as though the Primarch has asked more from Garrus than we realized. He has asked that Garrus report to him directly. With Garrus' new position on Palavan, he is technically a top ranked Palvan military personnel. I recall on Palavan, a high ranking General calling him sir and saluting him. With Victus being the Primarch, Garrus is definitely under his command as much as he is yours, Shepard. I'm not sure of the details, but perhaps if you asked Garrus about it directly?"</p>
<p>Shepard was surprised. And that didn't happen often. Not much could surprise her these days. And yet... she wasn't. It made sense. And she trusted Garrus. </p>
<p>"Would you like me to look into this further?" Liara asked.</p>
<p>Shepard smiled at her, "No. We can trust Garrus. I respect his duties to his Primarch and to Palavan. We can't stand in the way of our crew's duties to their people and their responsibilities. He will tell me if there is a problem." Shepard felt sure, and confident. </p>
<p>Liara nodded, "I completely agree."</p>
<p>"Besides, we need to be focused on the mission, on stopping the Reapers. If we're all lucky enough, we'll live long enough to pursue personal interests afterwards."</p>
<p>Liara started to leave, "For what it's worth, Shepard... I think during times like these it's ok to rely on each other. In fact, it is necessary to get through the difficult times we are sure to face. Do not alienate yourself from those you can lean on. Even though you are our commander, you are also our friend. That fact is most assuredly what helped us survive our fight against the collectors. It could very well save us this time around too." </p>
<p>------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Garrus worked on calibrating the biggest gun he could find on the ship to keep his mind preoccupied, but it wasn't working.</p>
<p>He kept replaying the first conversation with Victus on the Normandy.</p>
<p>
  <em>'I need full reports of all missions and inner workings here, Vakarian."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes, sir. I know that Shepard plans on giving those to you herself after each mission."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes, I'm aware of that. And I appreciate the gesture. But I want reports from you specifically, Garrus."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Sir? Sir, I assure you that you can trust Shepard."<br/><br/>"Yes, I know she's an honorable soldier Garrus, but at the end of the day she has to look out for Earth, and we have to look out for Palavan. I believe her intentions are good and she is a valuable ally." The Turian took a deep breath. "I need you on her ship, but in my corner. Is that understood, Vakarian?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Sir... I"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The Prime Arch sighed. "I understand a soldier's bond, son. I know you've been under her command for a while. I know she stopped Saren. I know you destroyed the Collectors together. You lost soldiers together. And now you're at war together." The Primarch looked Garrus in the  eyes hard, "But I need to know two things, Vakarian. I need to know that your closeness to this human won't distract you from doing your duty for your people. And I need to make sure that your loyalties lie with Palavan first, and Shepard second. If that's a problem Vakarian, I can replace your position here and send you back home to command some troops. Spirits knows you're a brilliant combat strategist, and we need more Generals that are also Reaper experts. The only reason why I haven't sent you into that valuable position already is because your history with Shepard might keep her attention on Palavan a bit longer." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Garrus straightened up and saluted, "Sir, you can count on me."  Garrus knew it wasn't an empty threat. Not even a threat really, just a reality check. He knew his duty to Palavan. He felt it deep in his soul every day. "For Palavan, always." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Victus saluted back, "For Palavan." </em>
</p>
<p>To be honest, Garrus hadn't even realized until this discussion that his loyalties to Palavan and to Shepard were equal these days. He would do anything she asked of him. Even now, he smiled as he thought of her.</p>
<p>But they were at war. And war was no time to chase feelings and emotions. So he had kept his distance from Shepard. As difficult as it had been when she had come to spend time with him, and he saw the questioning look in her eyes when he repeatedly turned her down.</p>
<p>Even the first time they had decided to blow off steam together, he made sure to wait until right before their last mission. He never wanted to compromise their missions or their team. He felt like any human male would have jumped at it right there on the spot. But Turians were trained to place the mission above everything, even their own feelings and desires. </p>
<p>As much as Garrus knew he wasn't a 'good Turian', deep down to his bones he still cared about his duty to Palavan and his people. But he wouldn't blindly follow any orders. Whether they came from the Primarch or Shepard. He wouldn't spy on Shepard for the Primarch, because he didn't need to, and because he was loyal to her.  But he also didn't want to be a distraction to her either. He didn't want to become too distracted himself. He was still able to be a soldier on the battlefield with her. His emotions weren't a factor out there, and it helped keep the team alive. </p>
<p><em>"Garrus, we're going to Tuchanka in 5. Meet us in the shuttle bay," </em>Shepard said over the comms.</p>
<p>"On my way."</p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>"Mordin, it's too dangerous."</p>
<p>"Shepard, please. Need to do this. My project. My Work. My Cure... My responsibility. Would have liked to test the sea shells."</p>
<p>Shepard didn't cry. She didn't cry when her parents died. Didn't cry as she dragged her broken body from an ally when she was 16 years old. Didn't cry when she watched Earth burn. </p>
<p>She felt tears on her cheeks, and saw Mordin give her a half, kind smile from the elevator. "I'm... sorry," she choked. </p>
<p>"I'm not, had to be me," he responded without hesitation as he closed the elevator doors. Shepard ran up to the glass, and placed her hand on it. She couldn't let go. It wasn't fair. Not him. She found her thoughts short and broken, reminding her of him. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong," he said with a cocky grin.<br/><br/>She grinned through her tears. Someone else definitely would get it wrong. He placed his hand on the opposite side of the glass on top of hers. Before she could say anything else, the elevator lifted him away. "I'll miss you," she tried to call out but her voice was strained and but a whisper. She felt her heart rip in half. He meant so much to the galaxy, to his people... he meant so much to her. He was the best of them, and it wasn't fair. </p>
<p>She looked down at her hand, still there in midair where his had been. She wiped her tears with it, and then turned it into a fist. She hardened her heart, and put on her soldier face. She was a soldier, and she had a duty. She turned and ran out of the complex. Grief and mourning could only happen once the war was over.</p>
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Shepard dragged her feet as she entered her cabin. It only took a moment for the bell to ring. "It's open," Shepard called out.</p>
<p>"I was listening to the comms," Liara said softly. "And I saw your face when you got back. I'm so sorry, Shepard." </p>
<p>Shepard leaned down placing both hands on her desk, "It's on me," she whispered. </p>
<p>"No, that's not fair Shepard. This is on the Reapers. And Mordin gave his life willingly to fix a mistake he made. He wanted it this way."</p>
<p>"He didn't want to die, Liara!" Shepard said a bit too harshly. "He wanted to live to make the world a better place," she whispered. </p>
<p>"He did, Shepard. He did."</p>
<p>Liara left quietly, and Shepard threw herself on her bed. She looked up and saw Tuchanka through her sky window. She felt the engines of the Normandy, and she watched the planet grow smaller. Her chest clenched and she felt more tears on her cheeks. She felt like she was leaving him behind on that planet... like she was leaving a bit of herself. She curled up into a ball and fought back the tears and eventually found sleep.</p>
<p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Shepard didn't get much sleep. Garrus had assured her that he would alert her if anything came up when he told her to get some rest, but the nightmares had ensured she didn't get much. She went to the cockpit to check in with Joker, and found that Edi wasn't there, but Garrus was. She listened into their conversation. </p>
<p>"Alright, my turn," Garrus said in a cocky voice, "What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?"</p>
<p>"Hmmm.. I give up," Joker said.</p>
<p>"Correct," Garrus laughed. </p>
<p>Joker laughed, "Aw, damn. Alright big guy, what do you call it when a Turian gets killed by a horrible spiked monster?"<br/><br/>"Friendly fire," Garrus responded right away, "Come on, that one goes back to Shanxi!" Garrus baited.</p>
<p>"Hey, you gotta respect the classics."</p>
<p>They went a few more rounds with well known military jokes, when Garrus switched to a more personal one. "Alright, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?"</p>
<p>"You're shitting me! The Turian military has one about me?"</p>
<p>"Absolutely!"</p>
<p>"Alright, why?"</p>
<p>"So their Marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills."</p>
<p>Joker laughed, "Damn, you gotta tell James that one. Hey! What's the most difficult part about treating a Turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?"</p>
<p>Garrus snorted, "Figuring out which side took the rocket."</p>
<p>Shepard found herself laughing. Truly laughing. Surprising the two men at the front of the cockpit.</p>
<p>"Ha, the Commander liked that one," Joker laughed snarkily at Garrus. </p>
<p>Shepard couldn't stop. She doubled over, eventually sitting in one of the seats. She went from feeling as though she might never smiling again to laughing uncontrollably. "That's exactly what I needed," she breathed, "thank you." </p>
<p>"That's what I'm here for. Pulling your assess out of the fire fight and cracking jokes," Joker said with a fake salute, turning back around in his chair. Garrus gave her a smile as she walked out. </p>
<p>-----------</p>
<p>It didn't take long for them to reach the Citadel, and realize something was wrong. Shepard put on her soldier face and marched right into the thick of it, just like always. She saved the council's assess... again. She watched as one of her best friends got stabbed through the stomach, and the strangest sensation came over her... icy cold pain in her gut and throughout her limb. And now, here she sat, in the hospital waiting area, hoping for the best. She knew that Thane didn't have long, regardless. But if it wasn't for her... if he could have lived out the rest of his days without her presence... he could have died in peace. </p>
<p>Shepard rested her head in her hand, trying to keep her composure, when the doctor came up and told her the diagnosis. Shepard stood slowly, and entered the room. "Kolyat," Shepard whispered to Thane's son. </p>
<p>"Commander Shepard," he said softly. "He's asked that I take off his oxygen mask so he can be more comfortable."</p>
<p>"Is it alright if... can... can I come in?"</p>
<p>"Of course," Kolyat said with a small smile. </p>
<p>"Commander," Thane said with labored breaths, "I'm afraid I won't be joining you again."</p>
<p>"You've done more than enough, Thane," she whispered back. </p>
<p>"That assassin should be embarrassed. A Terminally ill Drell managed to stop him from reaching his target," Thane wheezed.</p>
<p>"I'll pass the word along," Shepard chuckled. </p>
<p>"There's something I must do before it gets worse, I must," Thane managed before he started nearly choking. He tried taking a deep breath, and his son started praying, as she had seen Thane do so many times before.</p>
<p>And then, Thane started praying aloud. She hadn't heard him do that often. It was beautiful, like poetry. Suddenly, he started coughing violently, gasping for air, doubling over in pain. And his son continued the prayer.</p>
<p>Thane's eyes grew wide with pride, "Kolyat, you sound like the priests. You've been spending time with them?"</p>
<p>Kolyat smiled and nodded. Shepard watched as unspoken words passed between the two, and she suddenly felt in the way. She took a step backwards.</p>
<p>"I've brought a prayer book, Commander. Would you care to join me?"</p>
<p>She felt awkward. She knew very little of this religion aside from her talks with Thane. He had taught her the basics, but she in no way felt prepared to pray. But she saw how happy it made Thane to hear his son speak the words. And all she wanted to do was give him comfort now. She nodded and began speaking the prayer with Kolyat. At the last sentence, Thane faced the window and took a small breath. </p>
<p>"Why did it say she, instead of him?" she asked Kolyat of the last line. </p>
<p>"The prayer was not for him Commander, he has already prayed for his forgiveness, and for mine. The prayer was for you."</p>
<p>She placed her hand on Thane's arm, as he struggled to breathe. "Goodbye Thane. You won't be alone long." It was right then and there that she realized... she didn't anticipate surviving this war. No one expected her to. And she was ok with that. So many good people had died before her. Hell, she already had been given more time than she deserved. She heard Thane wheeze and cough, and watched as Koylat moved to take his hand. She slowly backed out of the room, and left the hospital. She was in a fog. She had made it back to the docks before realizing she had some heating unit stabilizers she needed to drop off. </p>
<p>When she was in the presidium, she overheard someone's comms attempting an assassination. Somehow, she managed to stop it by talking a former marine down. She handed off the heating stabilizers. She headed down to the refuge center before going back to the ship. She looked around, and looked in the medical center and checked on supplies. She headed to the Turian camp and checked on food rations. And suddenly she was walking into the Normandy. </p>
<p>"Commander, there are unread messages at your terminal," she heard Traynor say, but she waved her off and went to the elevator. </p>
<p>She found herself in her cabin, and she sat on the couch and stared at the fish. Her mind was so foggy, but her heart was on fire. As if it was being stabbed repeatedly... as if it would never truly be her heart ever again. She pictured Mordin on the couch next to her, talking quickly of curing the genophage and potential retirement plans. Plans he had deserved but would never get to fulfill. She pictured Thane at his desk in life support, a hot cup of coffee in hand as they talked about life, and morality, and mortality. She appreciated those two more than anyone could know. While Garrus, Tali, and Liara had been the friends she had spent the most time with, Thane and Mordin were special to her. Tears rolled down her face as she tried to collect herself, she couldn't let anyone see. Too many people were counting on her having her shit together. She was a Commander. And she felt so, incredibly alone. </p>
<p>Suddenly, she felt a hand on her back, and she gasped as she snapped out of it. "Garrus?"</p>
<p>He sat down next to her gently. "Shepard, I saw you at the refugee camp and called out but you didn't hear. And then I saw the look on your face. What's wrong?"</p>
<p>She knew if she talked about it now, she would break. "I... I can't talk right now, sorry Garrus," she said as she stood, taking deep breaths, trying to summon her brave face. Before she could, she felt his arms around her, pulling her close. </p>
<p>"Shepard, I know how much Mordin meant to you. It was clear he felt the same about you."</p>
<p>Shepard stiffened but said nothing. </p>
<p>"How did your visit go at the hospital? Is Thane alright?"</p>
<p>She stiffened further, and gave her best soldier voice as she reported in, "He's got a few hours left at most." </p>
<p>She felt his mouth plates on her head as he kissed her. "I'm sorry, Zyla." </p>
<p>The use of her name, not Shepard, not Commander, was what finally broke her. </p>
<p>She cried into his carapace as she told him of her last moments with the two men. She spoke to her best friend like she could speak to no one else... honest and raw. She told Garrus of her guilt. Mordin was a man of science, he could have retired in peace. Thane was dying, and could have died a peaceful death instead of being stabbed. </p>
<p>Garrus took her face in his hands, "No. That's not right, Shep. Mordin was a fighter, he proved that. He loved it when people underestimated him right before he shot them through the eyes. And Thane hated the idea of dying slowly in a hospital bed. He wanted to go down fighting. Both men were old, and ready to die for something they believed in. They believed in you, Zyla." </p>
<p>She shook her head, and half whispered half yelled out "No", in a strangled voice before collapsing. Garrus caught her before she hit the ground, and scooped her up to him. He hugged her tightly as he brought her to her bed. He tucked her in, and laid down beside her.</p>
<p>"Come here," he whispered soothingly, as he pulled her body close to his. He rubbed her back and ran his talons through her hair as she drifted in and out of fitful sleep. </p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>After about 30 minutes, she jumped awake with a gasp. "Garrus!" she nearly shouted. </p>
<p>"I'm here," he said softly. "Nightmare?" he asked.</p>
<p>She put her hand gently on the scarred part of his face, and a look of relief watched over her face. "The same one as always. Watching my best friend get shredded by a rocket, and drown in his own blood while I stand by unable to do anything about it."</p>
<p>He couldn't believe that with all she had been through, hell even the memory of her own death, and that was what haunted her dreams. "Shep..." he whispered, his voice filled with concern. "I've got your back, Shepard. I'm here," he whispered, his blue eyes piercing her soul. </p>
<p>He gently pressed his mouth to hers, and she kissed him back slowly, caressing his scarred mandible. She pulled away slowly. "You don't have to stay," she whispered. He looked at her questioningly. "I know that we need to keep some distance during this war... That our... closeness is a distraction we can't afford right now. It's difficult not to treat you with preference out there, and I can't allow myself to do that. We have a duty to the people of this galaxy." </p>
<p>As he looked at her now, he wasn't surprised that she felt the same way he did. She was a soldier, just like he was. She was a commander, a leader. "Shepard... I..."</p>
<p>She shook her head, "I get it, Garrus. It's... it's war. We can't become distracted right now. If we become distracted, people die. Our planets die. I hope... if we both survive this that... well..."</p>
<p>She went to inch off the bed but he pulled her close. "I... I fight for Palavan. I will be loyal to my Primarch and my people. I would die for Palavan," he took her hand gently. "Turians are taught from birth to put duty and honor above everything. Sacrifice is expected."</p>
<p>"I understand, really. I feel the same way."</p>
<p>He nodded, "But... at this point... staying away from you is a much bigger distraction. I can't seem to focus on my calibrations when I'm missing you." </p>
<p>Shepard laughed, "Huh. Now that you mention it, I felt the same way at the shooting range." </p>
<p>"Maybe we could find a better balance?" he asked.</p>
<p>Shepard thought back to her conversation with Liara, when the Asari had told her to lean on her friends. That her relationships with them was really what saved them before. Shepard felt like she needed it to survive right now. There's no way she could face the loss of two of her closest friends alone. "That might be for the best," she whispered as she leaned in to kiss him.</p>
<p>She heard him moan softly as she touched his neck to bring him closer, and she smiled.</p>
<p>"Besides," he said as he pressed his forehead to hers, "We've lost some very important people... our closest friends. I couldn't just leave you alone Shepard. Not even if you ordered me to." She felt his arm around her waist pulling her to his body.</p>
<p>"Is that so?" she smirked. She heard him growl softly against her neck. </p>
<p>"I'm here for you Shep. I've got your six, remember?" he nipped at her jaw. "Always." </p>
<p>She smiled and she kissed his neck. "Thanks, Garrus," she whispered. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Playground</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One Shot - Lil Garrus and Shep :)<br/>---------------------------</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus stepped out of the shuttle, and onto a new planet for the first time. Mindoir he thought his mother called it. He looked down at the dirt and grass beneath his feet. It wasn't rocky or tough, but squishy. Squishy like the weird people who lived on this planet. He looked up at his mother, carrying baby Sol. Sol was cooing and giggling and Garrus made sure his mandibles flared wide at her, trying to keep her happy. If he had subharmonics, he would be using them to comfort her. Right now while he was only 5 years old, all he could do was hum low with his dual-toned voice. His mother smiled down at him, "You're a good big brother, Garrus," she chimed, her subharmonics low enough to be just for the two of them, telling him that she was proud. </p><p>He looked up at the sky, which was the deepest blue. He loved that color. "Why are we here again, dad?" </p><p>"Because, it is important that we establish good communications with these people. We are starting to recruit officers for the c-sec program from their race, and I'm in charge of that. Would you like to be a c-sec officer one day, Garrus?" </p><p>Garrus could hear his father's subharmonics loud and clear. Pride, encouragement, and expectation. "Yeah!" he said, his dual-tones slightly squeaky and out of control. His mother laughed softly at the crack in his tones, and rubbed his fringe softly. </p><p>"Maybe you can help me pick out a few recruits later."</p><p>"Really?" </p><p>"Sure, son. But for right now, why don't you go play over there?"</p><p>There was a large playground where many human children were playing. Garrus felt nervous. He heard his mother's subharmonics humming low, soothing. It gave him courage, knowing he could hear her even if he played over there. "Ok," he said as he approached the playground slowly. </p><p>The playground itself was old and rusty, and not well maintained. The surrounding area were called "the slums", although he wasn't sure why. As he approached, the humans stopped playing and stared. Some of them jumped off the swings to go to the other side. The youngest kids ignored him, not realizing the awkwardness in the air, and it helped a bit. He heard his mother's subharmonics and felt embarrassed. He threw her a look to stop, and she smiled back. He didn't know that humans couldn't hear subharmonics. He spread his mandibles slightly, trying to look friendly, and the boy nearest him gasped and stumbled away. </p><p>Out of no where, someone sped towards him, and stopped right beside him. He jumped, startled, and whipped his head around to find a girl about his size with darker skin and fringe staring at him. Her eyes sparkled, and her lips turned upwards into a smile. "Zyla, nice to meet ya kid!" she said happily, extending a hand out to him. He looked at his mother, who nodded. He returned the gesture, "Garrus. Same." She took his hand and shook it. </p><p>"Woah, your hands are cool. I wish I had talons. That's pretty awesome."</p><p>"Thanks!" he said excitedly, his mandibles spreading wide and clicking. </p><p>"I bet, since all your finger power goes into three fingers instead of five," she said wiggling her fingers in front of her face, "that your fingers are super strong! You'll probably be great at monkey bars!"</p><p>"What kind of bars?" he said confused. </p><p>"Monkey bars! Here, I'll show you."</p><p>She ran, and he followed. "Right up here," she said, as she climbed up onto a platform, and reached out her hand grabbing the bars, swinging herself across. When she was all the way across, she jumped down. "Alright Garrus, your turn!" </p><p>He reached out and grabbed the bars, going across quickly. "Not bad!" she called out. "How old are you?"</p><p>"I'm 5", he responded. </p><p>"What? No way, you're as tall as me! Are you really 5?" </p><p>He nodded, "Yeah, why, how old are you?"</p><p>"9," she said proudly. "I bet you'll be super tall when you grow up." </p><p>She sure was tiny for someone that age. </p><p>"Zyla, my ball!" one younger girl said shouted as she ran from the playground towards an alley. </p><p>"No Abby!" Zyla shouted, and Garrus could hear the worry in her voice. "Don't leave the playground by yourself," she said in a grumble as she ran after Abby. </p><p>Garrus peaked over at his mother, but she was paying attention to the adult conversation now. His father was talking with a human man. "Ok," Garrus said to himself, wanting to sound tough for this older kid as he ran behind her. </p><p>They caught up with Abby, who was crouching behind some trash bins in the alley. Zyla grabbed Garrus and pushed him down too. Garrus went to ask why, but Zyla gave him a stern look. Garrus peaked over the trash bins and saw two big and tough humans, who wore all blue. "We're the law around here, you got it? So if we ask you to pay up, you fuckin' pay up!" one said has he kicked the victim to the ground. </p><p>"Are those officers?" Garrus whispered.</p><p>Zyla nodded, "Yeah, but they suck."</p><p>Garrus nearly choked. "But... officers are the good guys?"</p><p>"They're supposed to be," Zyla said with a tone Garrus couldn't place. He wished humans had subharmonics, because he didn't know what to make of this situation at all. Nothing was clear. He knew he didn't like it. "I'm gonna do something about it," she said.</p><p>"Wait, Zyla, you can't disobey an officer. That's not right. That's against the rules," he said firmly. His dual-tones cracking slightly, his mandibles pressed close to his face. She watched them closely, and it made him feel even more nervous. </p><p>"Don't be nervous," she said softly. His eye plates raised in surprise that she knew. "I won't watch someone get picked on. You can stay here, ok? I'll be right back."</p><p>He stayed with Abby behind the trash bins, and watched as Zyla snuck up on the men. She jumped from behind cover and grabbed one of the officer's hats, and ran off with it. "Hey!" he yelled, running after her. </p><p>The victim used his time wisely and ran away quickly. Zyla could have made it out of the alley if there hadn't been two of them, but she didn't. Garrus clicked his talons on the trash bins, and felt a growl in his chest. He had never been able to do that before. He'd have to show his dad. </p><p>One of the officers threw Zyla to the ground, "Think you're funny? We're officers you know."</p><p>"Maybe we should teach her a lesson," the other said.</p><p>Before Garrus knew what he was doing, he ran up and grabbed the other man's hat, running off quickly. Zyla laughed and ran behind him. She grabbed the officer's hat from his hand and threw them down at the end of the alley. All three children ran back to the playground as fast as they could. The officers reached the end of the street and looked at the kids with fury. "They can't do anything with all these witnesses," Zyla whispered to Garrus. "Especially with some other officers over there," she jabbed a thumb in the direction of Garrus' dad and the other humans he was meeting with. The two men stalked away, back down the alley and out of sight.</p><p>"Abby, that was dumb. Where's your mom?" Zyla said in a motherly tone.</p><p>Abby looked up at Zyla with sad round eyes, and pointed towards an apartment building nearby. "Go on, then," Jane said, placing her hands on her hips. Abby walked home slowly. </p><p>"That was pretty cool, kid. Thanks for the assist," she smiled at Garrus. "You really had my six."</p><p>Garrus beamed up at her. She talked like his dad, like the officers he knew. "Yeah? Yeah!" he said with pride, his mandibles spreading. Jane chuckled a little. </p><p>"Garrus!" he heard his mother call out.</p><p>"Oh, I gotta go," he said quickly. He reached out his hand, like she had done at first. </p><p>Zyla chuckled and took it, "Nice to meet ya, kid." </p><p>"Nice to meet you," he said, his dual tones splitting farther apart than he intended. </p><p>"Meet a friend?" his mother asked as she rubbed his fringe lightly. </p><p>"Yes," he said, his mandibles clicking. </p><p>"These officers want to give you a tour of their police department, Garrus," his father said with pride. "I know you'd love that!" </p><p>These officers beamed down at him... they didn't seem like the others at all. One knelt down on his knees to look Garrus in the eyes. "I bet you'll love it! We can show you our police car, even let you man the lights and siren," the officer said with a smile as he handed Garrus a strangely colored wrapped thing on a small stick. "We even have these suckers to give out to good kids like you who come to visit."</p><p>"What's a sucker?" he asked.</p><p>His mother took it out of his hands, and he almost pouted. "Thank you, that's sweet! I'm afraid Turian's can't eat Human food."</p><p>"Oh, sorry about that ma'am."</p><p>"No, no, it was a nice thing. But Garrus, are you excited about the car?" she said, her subharmonics ringing clearly. </p><p>He really was. "Yes!" he shouted. The adults laughed from his obvious excitement. They led him over and showed him the buttons to press, and his dual-tones went crazy with excitement. The humans looked at him strangely, but he didn't notice. He was too excited about the car. </p><p>"Ready for the tour?" Garrus' father asked him.</p><p>"Yeah dad, I've got your six," Garrus said, remembering Jane's cop-talk. </p><p>His father beamed down at him, his subharmonics practically glowing. "Alright big guy, let's get you strapped in," his father said as he buckled him into the cop-car. </p><p>He looked out at the playground as the car hovered off the ground. He saw Zyla  waving at him, and he waved back as he flew away. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zyla approached the battery doors, but she stopped. The door was locked. He kept doing that... locking himself away. He hadn't been the same after Omega. Joker couldn't get more than a few words out of him. Jane could only get him to leave for a meal or two a day. She had made it clear that his trips to Dr. Chakwas were not optional, and if nothing else his health would deteriorate compromising the mission. He had listened to that at least, and she had seen him visit the med-bay regularly for his derma-graph and cybernetic treatments. </p><p>Her mind flashed back to his first night out of the med-bay after omega. She had visited him in the battery, and he had hugged her tightly. <em>"I thought you were dead, Shep," </em> he had said softly. After that first night though, she hadn't gotten more than a few words out of him. </p><p>"Edi, open the battery," Zyla said firmly.</p><p>"Acknowledged," Edi replied, and Shepard saw the door flash green.</p><p>She saw Garrus sitting on a crate, a bottle of Turian whiskey in hand. "Shep," he acknowledged as she walked in. He was swaying slightly. </p><p>"Drunk, Vakarian?" </p><p>"Only slightly, ma'am," he joked as he saluted. </p><p>She laughed, but it was tight and didn't reach her eyes. "Good. Maybe that whiskey will loosen your tongue."</p><p>"Be careful what you wish for, commander."</p><p>She sat down next to him on the crate. She looked at him carefully, noticing small engravings on his visor. Names. She read them aloud, slowly. With each name, Garrus got more and more tense. "You lost them. I can't imagine..." she stopped and looked down, "If I had lost them. Liara, Tali, Wrex, you... I just... It was hard loosing Ash. But all of you. God, Garrus."</p><p>"Yeah, well..." he said, his mandibles tight to his face, taking a large swig of the whiskey. He looked down. "It was my fault, Shep."</p><p>"No way in hell, Garrus," she responded quickly. </p><p>"Tell me then... Liara, Wrex, Tali, Me... if you were sitting here alone drinking and all of us were dead after Saren... you'd feel the same. I know you Shep. You would."</p><p>She shook her head. "No, I'd blame fucking Saren, Garrus."</p><p>"Liar," he said bitterly. She was taken aback at that. He never talked to her like that. "Sorry," he said quietly, taking some more drinks from the bottle. </p><p>"You did everything you could, Garrus."</p><p>"Not damned enough," he said angrily, drinking more. </p><p>"Sometimes, we can't give enough Garrus. We can sacrifice and bleed and it's never fucking enough. But that doesn't mean it's our fault. It doesn't mean we didn't give it our all. And at the end of the day, we're going to loose teammates. I just... I don't want one of those to be you."</p><p>He snorted an went to take another drink, but she grabbed the bottle from his hand. He looked at her angrily. She didn't look back at him. "I'm loosing you here, Garrus," she whispered. </p><p>He grabbed the bottle back. "One more failure, then. Sorry Shep." He drank.  </p><p>She walked out, the doors closing behind he. She grabbed a beer from the mess, and walked back in.</p><p>"Thought you left," he said, grunting. </p><p>"Never," she said softly. She clinked her glass to his bottle, and drank with him. They sat in silence for a while, before she placed her hand on his. "I'm here. You're not alone. And I know you're one tough son-of-a-bitch, so I know you'll get through this."</p><p>He said nothing, but stared at his whiskey. </p><p>"You better stop drinking soon, I need you at my six tomorrow."</p><p>"You should pick someone else," he said taking another drink.</p><p>"I know my squad, and I've already made the decision," she said gruffly. </p><p>"Ya know, I used to think that was something I was good at. Having your six. Making decisions. Knowing my squad. Turns out I'm shit at all three." He took another deep drink. "You should pick someone else." </p><p>She stood up quickly, and he swayed almost falling from the crate. </p><p>She had fire in her eyes, and he gripped his bottle a little tighter. </p><p>"Shut the fuck up, Vakarian."</p><p>"What the hell, Shepard?" he slurred.</p><p>Her hands were balled into fists, and he was 90% certain she was going to punch him. </p><p>"What happened sucked. It's fucking awful. But you were betrayed. It's that bastards fault. And the fucking mercs on Omega. Not yours. You're a god-damned amazing sniper, a good soldier, and a good man."</p><p>"You weren't there," he hissed. "They counted on me, Shepard. I brought them there in the first place."</p><p>"Just like I'm bringing you along for this god-damned shit show Garrus. But I didn't fucking start this war, and you didn't kill your people." </p><p>"That's different," he slurred. </p><p>"No it isn't," she said defiantly. </p><p>"It's different and you know it!" he shouted. "I'm a shit soldier, just like I'm a shit Turian, just like I was a shit officer. Obviously I'm a shit leader too. I'm a shit person, Shepard, and you should get that through your damned head before I get you killed... again." </p><p>He expected her to shy away. Most humans did when a Turian was acting like he was right now. He was too drunk to remember who he was talking to.</p><p>She slammed her fist into the crate, "Shut the fuck up, Vakarian! Don't you fucking dare." He jumped when the crates cracked and he slid off of them quickly. He looked at her, and saw her eyes were wet and her face was bright red. "What happened to you, to your team, Garrus," a few tears fell from her eyes and he was stunned, "God it's awful. I wish I could take that pain away, I really do. But everything you just fucking said is so wrong. So let me put it straight for you." She stood tall, defiant, and he felt himself sobering up quickly. </p><p>"You are a man with an incredible moral compass. I rely on it when things get sticky, Garrus. You care about justice, and protecting the innocent. Hell, I love that about you. I love that you are on a Cerberus ship right now because you trust me so much. A human terrorist organization, and here's your Turian ass following me down into hell... again. No one else did that for me Garrus. Not Tali, not Kaidan, not anybody. You've got a hell of a gut instinct, which made you a brilliant cop. But you were better than that Garrus, not the other way around. And if you wouldn't have left c-sec, Saren would have won." He snorted. "I'm not fucking joking Garrus. Because I can't do this without you. I can't do this without your stupidly smug, cocky, sexy voice on the comms telling me I'm about to get my head blown off, right before you shoot down the enemy I hadn't even seen coming. Because you're the best god-damned sniper there is in this fucked up galaxy. I love how you can shoot a man between the eyes at an incredible distance while cracking a joke to help me focus. I love how you put everyone else's needs before your own because your a good person. I love how you took a god-damned missile to the face, and didn't fucking die, because you're a tough son-of-a-bitch. Not only did you not die, but you went and fixed my gun the next day, because not only can you handle a weapon, you can build them too." </p><p>By this point, her whole body was shaking. Her fists were clenched so tightly that she was leaving marks on her palms. He had taken slow steps towards her without her realizing, and he wrapped his fingers around her wrist. She took a deep breath. "So don't you fucking dare talk about my best friend like that because I lo..." she stopped short, her voice trembling. He suddenly wrapped his hand around her waist and pulled her close. She didn't even hesitate. She reached up on her toes and planted her mouth to his. He pushed her against the wall, pressing his body to hers, and she wrapped one arm around his neck and placed one hand on his mandible gently. She wasn't sure how long they were there, but when they broke the kiss they were panting hard.</p><p>She took a deep breath. He slowly leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers as he closed his eyes. "You're not a failure. You're my hero. You're everything right in this universe. So please," she pleaded. "I know you're hurting. Just... don't..." </p><p>He brushed his thumb across her cheek. "Sorry, Shep," he whispered. She laughed softly.</p><p>"Sorry, I get a little defensive when it comes to my friends."</p><p>He chuckled, "Noted."</p><p>She started walking towards the doors, "Don't let this get to your head, Vakarian. You've got a sniper's ego already."</p><p>He chuckled as she walked out the door.</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>She was in the mess hall, looking at the battery doors. It had been a couple weeks since their drunken fight... talk... kiss... whatever it had been. He was her best friend. They weren't in love. Hell, they weren't even the same species. But they were isolated and lonely. She got up and walked in the battery doors.</p><p>"Hey, Shep," he said, not looking up from his work. </p><p>"You knew it was me?" she asked, still behind him.</p><p>"I could smell you," he said, still not breaking from his work.</p><p>"Damn, do I stink or something?" she said sniffing an armpit.</p><p>He laughed, "No, Turians can smell better than humans. You smell like you, that's all."</p><p>"Ah. Weird. Why are you working so late anyways?" she asked. He shrugged. "Yeah, I can't sleep either." </p><p>He finally looked up. "A lot on our plates these days," he nodded. "Hard to sleep on a ship when you don't trust everyone on it."</p><p>"Agreed," she nodded back. "So listen... I don't want you to take this the wrong way. Will you come up to my cabin tonight?"</p><p>He snorted, "How am I supposed to take that exactly?"</p><p>"I can't sleep. You can't sleep. And you're my best friend. I trust you. And it'd be nice not to sleep with one eye open, for just one freaking night on this damned boat." </p><p>"Sorry Shep, your couch is too small for me. Even these human cots leave me sore."</p><p>"Yeah, but I've got the captain's quarters. It's a real bed."</p><p>His eye plate raised, "You want me... in the bed?" </p><p>She sighed, "Don't make it weird, Vakarian. If you're not comfortable just say so."</p><p>"Are you saying the tough, bullet-proof Commander Shepard wants a Turian cuddle-buddy?" </p><p>She groaned, "Yeah gross. Ok, never mind. Forget it," she went to walk away.</p><p>He laughed, "I'm just messing with you Shepard." He was messing with her. And truth be told, ever since that night... well he had enjoyed the closeness. They both had. It felt good having somebody else to lean on. To trust. To be close to. The physical touch was comforting. "Alright Shep, I'll try out your fancy-ass bed. But don't get any crazy ideas, I'm not into humans."</p><p>"You wish, Turian," she joked back. </p><p>They went up to her quarters, and he jumped on the bed. "Not bad, Shepard, not bad. The perks of command," he laughed. She jumped onto the bed next to him. "What's up with the fish?"</p><p>"I honestly don't know Garrus," she laughed. "I didn't design this frigate." </p><p>He shrugged. "Hey, I never thanked you for... helping me that night. I was in a real bad place that day. You helped."</p><p>She reached an arm over and wrapped it around his carapace, squeezing tightly. He placed his arm on top of hers, and hugged her back. </p><p>She got up and went to the bathroom. When she came back she was in a t-shirt and shorts, and her hair was down. "You gonna wear your armor to sleep?" she teased. </p><p>"Well, I guess not," he said. She grabbed a datapad and scrolled through some messages while he stripped out of his armor down to his under armors. Distinctly Turian pants and a tight fitting short sleeve shirt. He placed his armor on the couch in neat piles, and placed his visor on the table.</p><p>When he walked back to the bed, she was staring. "Like what you see, Shep?" he teased.</p><p>"Oh, it's you. Jesus Garrus, I didn't recognize you without your visor," she teased back. She returned to her datapad, and he scrolled through his omni-tool. After a few minutes, he shut it off and placed it on the table beside the bed. </p><p>She got under the covers, and he did the same. "Goodnight, hard-ass," she said quietly. </p><p>"Goodnight, softy," he replied. He was surprised at how quickly he fell asleep that night. And even more surprised when he woke to the comfort of holding someone's hand.</p><p>Ever since that night, they spent many nights together after difficult missions, finding comfort having someone else they trusted so close. Sometimes he would wake up and she would have a hand on his chest, or her leg would be wrapped around his spar. Sometimes they would be 4 feet apart. Either way, he slept better. And so did she.  </p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>This was it. Omega 4 relay. Tomorrow was the day. She wasn't surprised when she heard her cabin door slide open, and Garrus walked in. She stood from her couch. "We'll get through this, Shep," he said. She knew he was saying that to comfort himself just as much as he was to comfort her. She gave him a hug. "I'll make sure you get back, Big Guy. It's my top priority." She looked up at him, her arms still wrapped around his waist. </p><p>"And getting you back is mine," he said, holding her chin in his fingers gently. </p><p>They laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Tonight, even their closeness wasn't enough. The mission was too big. She felt his hand brush up against hers, "It's gonna be ok," he whispered.</p><p>"Maybe," she said back. </p><p>He rolled over, leaning over her slightly. "It will, Shep. You'll pull us through it, I know you will." </p><p>She looked up at him. He really believed in her. She saw it in his eyes. "You wanna blow off some steam, Garrus?"</p><p>He chuckled, "You offering Shep?" he thought she was joking. She just stared at him. And then he realized she wasn't joking. "Oh... oh I uh... didn't realize you had a weakness for men with scars," he joked. </p><p>She laughed softly. He thought about it then. She was his best friend. He respected the hell out of her. And honestly, they really were probably going to die tomorrow. </p><p>"Why the hell not," he said, and her eyes opened wide. "There's no one in the galaxy I respect more than you, Shepard. And if we can make it work then... definitely." </p><p>She was getting lost in his deep, dual-toned voice as she realized he was accepting her offer. She reached up, caressing his scarred mandible. She lifted her head slightly and kissed him. He gently brushed her hair behind her ear, and caressed her jaw. </p><p>They both found themselves thinking back on all of their time together. All of the life-and-death situations, all of the missions. Omega. All of it.</p><p>Garrus started feeling nervous. He'd never thought he'd be doing this with a human. What if he did something wrong. "I've seen so many things go wrong Shep. I want something to go right for once... just..." she stopped him with a kiss.<br/>
<br/>
"It's Shepard and Vakarian, Garrus. Nothing is more right," she whispered back, and he smiled.</p><p>It fueled the flame of their passion, and he grabbed at her desperately. She responded with a soft moan, and rolled on top of him. "This will be fun," she murmured confidently, as she pulled at his pants. </p><p>He grabbed her waist. "Hell yeah," he growled back.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Reporter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>See Commander Shepard as you've never seen her before! In our up-close and personal interview, Shepard reveals her love life with decorated war hero, Specte Vakarian</p><p>Also in this issue:<br/>Drell: Are the rumors of hallucinations true?<br/>Human-Turian Relationships on the rise: Positions and Tips<br/>A Tale of Two Krogan</p><p>-----------------------------------------------</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Samantha was nervous. Her hands were sweaty, and she took a deep breath in. This would be her first interview with Commander Zyla Shepard. She had never gotten an interview with someone with such a high profile. And the  commander had never agreed to this type of interview in the past. Only strictly military interviews. So even though Sam had done her research, and watched every Shepard interview she could get her hands on, there was really nothing for her to go on. </p><p>Sam pictured the interviews where Shepard had punched the journalist in the face. She made a mental note to try her hardest not to piss the commander off. Sam heard the doors open, and in walked the Commander. Sam stood up quickly, reaching out to shake the Commander's hand.</p><p>"Commander Shepard, Samantha Blakely with Vitality Vlog. It's an honor to meet you."</p><p>"Thank you Samantha," the Commander said gruffly. Sam could tell that this woman was in charge. </p><p>"Go ahead and take a seat Commander. I really appreciate you taking the time for this interview. I'm sure you're a busy woman."</p><p>"It's no problem, Samantha. I like your work."</p><p>"O..oh!" Sam said in surprise. THE Commander Shepard liked her work? She hadn't seen that coming. But she supposed that's the only reason the Commander agreed to a non-military interview. "Thank you!" she smiled. </p><p>"So what would you like to know?"</p><p>Samantha took out her data pad with questions, and hit record on her camera.</p><p>Blakely: As you know Commander, I run the section of the vlog dedicated to celebrity and power couples in the galaxy. Obviously you and Spectre Vakarian are the biggest power couple in the galaxy. So... how did you meet?</p><p>Shepard: We met at the beginning of my mission to bring down Saren, right before I became a Spectre. </p><p>B: So he was there with you from the beginning?</p><p>S: Yes he was. </p><p>B: So how did a Turian c-sec officer join up with a human spectre?</p><p>S: Garrus was committed to justice. He was committed to doing the right thing. It was plain to see that he was a good man, trying to do right. So when he asked to join us, I didn't hesitate to welcome him on the team.</p><p>B: So there was no tension due to the various species being on your crew?</p><p>S: When there was, it was made clear that it wouldn't be tolerated. The crew came together quickly. I've never had a better team. </p><p>B: So, did you fall in love quickly?</p><p>S: *Laughs* No, not exactly. We did become friends almost right away however. Best friends in fact. By the time we had accomplished our mission, we were joined at the hip most days.</p><p>B: No romance?</p><p>S: No, not in those days. Just the very best of friends.</p><p>B: So, I know it's been asked before, and I hate to ask you this, but...</p><p>S: Yes, I really died. I had been dead for two years.</p><p>B: It just doesn't seem possible.</p><p>S: I agree. Cerberus was a company with the deepest pockets and resources. I still have some of the old scars, but also a lot of implants. All of my memories, my personality... I'm the same person I've always been. And everyone I've ever known can attest to it. </p><p>B: How did Mr. Vakarian react to your death?</p><p>*Pause*</p><p>S: Like most would at the loss of a dear friend. </p><p>B: I can't seem to find any record of him during the two years you had passed.</p><p>S: Because that is how he wanted it. He worked undercover during those two years, and unfortunately the case is still classified. </p><p>B: No hints then?</p><p>S: All I can say, is that he did incredible work during those two years, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to watch him kick a... butt. He saved a lot of civilian lives during that mission.</p><p>B: So when Cerberus brought you back, did you get in touch right away?</p><p>S: He was still undercover, and it was difficult to find him. But yes, after about 2 weeks I was able to locate him.</p><p>B: And?</p><p>S: And, he joined me instantly. I could always count on him to have my back. He never doubted me. And I'll be forever grateful for that. </p><p>B: Many people doubted you during that time period.</p><p>S: It's true. No one believed me about the Reaper threat. No one believed that I had been dead for two years. No one believed that I wasn't working for Cerberus.</p><p>B: You only worked with Cerberus?</p><p>S: They brought me back from the dead. I obviously didn't have a say in the matter. Not that I'm complaining about being alive. When I discovered that no one would help with the Collectors... I realized quickly that Cerberus was the only organization with the resources and willingness to help. I utilized those resources, but never took orders from them. My loyalties remained with the Alliance. </p><p>B: The Omega 4 Relay mission remains one of the most celebrated victories in Alliance history. Can you tell us more of how you and Spectre Vakarian worked together during this mission?</p><p>S: It was a tough mission. The Suicide Mission that we all survived. Garrus led one team while I led the other. His leadership, combined with his tactical expertise, combined with the incredible skills of my teammates, ensured our victory. </p><p>B: So Spectre Vakarian led with you during this mission?</p><p>S: Yes. It was necessary to divide our forces. Garrus was an obvious choice. </p><p>B: And after this mission, is it true that you didn't see Spectre Vakarian during your incarceration?</p><p>S: That is correct. I was not allowed visitors during this time period.</p><p>B: Can I get your opinion on your incarceration? </p><p>S: I understand it, truly I do. I also did not have a choice. It was destroy the relay, or watch the Reapers destroy the galaxy. However, as the Commander of the mission, it is my duty to take that responsibility and any consequences. 3,504 souls were lost that day in the explosion. </p><p>B: How did Spectre Vakarian feel about the Alliance's decision?</p><p>S: He, and most of the members of my team vehemently disagreed. </p><p>B: I imagine so. Let's move on to the final Reaper push. Spectre Vakarian was gravely injured during the battle?</p><p>S: That is correct.</p><p>B: What happened?</p><p>S: A rover nearly crushed him, and exploded, engulfing him in flames. He sustained multiple broken bones, and severe third degree burns. </p><p>B: Were you there?</p><p>S: Yes. I pulled him onto the med-evac. </p><p>B: Was he conscious?</p><p>S: He was. And he fought to get off of that ship very hard, although he was in no condition to continue. He... didn't want me to go alone.</p><p>B: What did he say to you?</p><p>S: That's... not something I'll share.</p><p>B: Of course. Let's move on from your incredible war stories. When did things go from friends, to more?</p><p>S: Slowly. Overtime. One day he was my best friend, and somehow one day he was much more. </p><p>B: Is there a particular story you can tell?</p><p>S: I think I had feelings for Garrus for a very long time before I realized it. But there was one moment, where I just knew. It was after the Reapers had attacked. I was on Palavan seeking Turian support. By the time we reached it however, it was already a war-zone. Palavan was on fire, just as Earth was. I was desperate for aid, after what I saw on Earth though. Things were chaos, and the heirachy was a mess. I felt as if things were going from bad to worse, and suddenly, there he was. Back in my life again, as if no time had passed at all. He said he'd take care of it, and he did. Suddenly, a harvester attacked. I asked him if he was coming, and he looked at me, loaded his rifle and said, "Are you kidding? I'm right behind you." I mean who does that? Most people would already be running in the other direction. But not Garrus. He had had my back at every battle, every turn. And it didn't matter where we were, or if the world was ending, he'd still be there. Picture that in your mind. The end of the world, bullets flying, fire everywhere, and a man looking at you like he would follow you to hell and back with confidence, while simultaneously sniping an enemy on your six.</p><p>B: Wow.</p><p>S: Yeah. </p><p>*Pause*</p><p>B: Ahem. So, ah when did he realize he loved you?</p><p>S: *Laughs* You know, it's a different story every time you ask him. Sometimes he says it's when I killed a thresher maw without blinking. Sometimes he'll say it's when I took his sniper and killed a husk within a millisecond after he got hit. But he'll always tell you one thing for sure. It is definitely not when he first saw me dance. I'm terrible.</p><p>B: *Laughs* But what do you think the real answer is?</p><p>S: I'm not sure. I think it was a slow, gradual realization. Just like it was for me. When you go through what we have, well sometimes you start to realize what's really important in life. When your constantly feeling as if today might be your last, it puts things in perspective. And with each dangerous mission (which were many), came more and more clarity. Until Garrus was suddenly in focus. And I think it's the same for him. </p><p>B: So what are some of the things about him that make you love him?</p><p>S: *smiles* *Pauses* His sense of right and wrong, and justice. The way he looks after innocents and civilians, and truly cares. He values justice, doing the right thing, and protecting others. But he's not condescending about his beliefs, he just holds himself to that standard, and inspires others to do the same. The strength of his character. His strength in general, the way I can rely on him. The way he leads a squad, the way he inspires them. The way I can trust him completely, with everything... a gun, a mission, a secret, my heart. The way he looks when he's looking down a scope, like it's the easiest thing in the world. Or the way he focuses on his tech. His attention to detail, on everything, be it his guns or me. The way we can have a conversation without saying a word. *Laughs* His humor and jokes, the way he makes me laugh. That when he takes a bad hit, he gets right back up swinging. He doesn't give up. *ahem* Is... is that enough? </p><p>B: *Smiles* That's perfect. So, you are the first Turian-Human marriage in Alliance history. Has that been difficult?</p><p>S: Between the two of us? Not at all. When I was young, I never thought much about getting married, but if I had I wouldn't have guessed I'd marry a Turian. I had hoped, that if I did get married it would be to someone like him. </p><p>B: Aren't there cultural barriers? Language barriers? Physical difficulties?</p><p>S: No. We both received extensive military training. We were taught of one another's cultures and customs early on. And whatever we didn't know, we researched ourselves. It has been nothing but fun discovering and learning about each other's cultures. It's not a barrier, but an added bonus. We care about each other, and we respect one another. While I obviously can't produce subharmonic forms of communication, I can hear his due to my implants and spending so much time with him. And we know each other so well, he doesn't need to hear subharmonics from me to know exactly what I'm thinking or feeling. And, there are no physical difficulties. Obviously it is different, but not a difficulty or barrier. *Puts hand to side of mouth* And it's a good different. </p><p>B: Well, your relationship is an inspiration to people all over the galaxy. Since your marriage, there have been over 200 reported Turian-Human marriages, and many more relationships. Do you find people are generally accepting of you?</p><p>S: Generally speaking, yes. Mostly, everyone is nothing but kind or indifferent. There will always be bitter people in the world. And we still have a long way to go. I won't lie to you, and say that we don't get looks. Only last week we were at a bar, and got harassed by a drunken customer. Racial slurs were thrown around like confetti. But we are very comfortable in our own skin and with each other. Other than it being an annoyance, it wasn't a problem for us. But as you said, Human-Turian relationships are becoming a new normal. I'm proud and honored to have Garrus as my bondmate. </p><p>B: So what does the future hold for our two favorite Spectres? </p><p>S: The sky is the limit. We adopted a son from Palavan, and a daughter from Earth. We go on occasional missions, and occasional dates. Abby is teething right now, so not so much sleep in the near future. Garrus is teaching Sevus baseball. Our kids are... beautiful. We love them very much. *pauses* We're happy, and plan to stay that way. Anywhere we are, if he's there with me... well, then I'm happy. </p>
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